Don't Presume to Assume
by TinksVamps
Summary: Twisted Twilight. Alice 'saw' it all, but so did some-one else & they weren't letting Bella go through that. They were also going to make sure she ended up with the right Vamp. This Bella has Balls. NOMINATED Best Bella/Best Humour in THE SUNFLOWER AWARDS
1. Chapter 1

I realised (had it pointed out to me several times) that this chapter _really _needed to be edited a little (a lot) better than it was. So I decided (caved) and did it. If anything is still mahoosively wrong with it, tough titties (let me know & I'll fix it) xox

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**Chapter 1**

**Alice's POV**

Anytime now she should be arriving! I can't believe that this day has finally arrived. I decided I could now let the rest of them know the next part of the vision that I had all those years ago.

"Listen and keep a look out for a truck, a truck that is red as that is what she is going to be arriving in. She won't notice _us_ until lunch but I just really need to see _her _in the flesh. Oh Edward! She is going to be perfect for you and as well as the rest of us, she will return to us the humanity that we have each lost over the years despite living the way we do"

This will also keep this particular future intact instead of the alternate one that is also a possibility.

I don't know all the details of that one except flashes and snippets. And what they show is me. Alone. I don't know where Jasper or the rest of them are but I am just lying there on my bed, to depressed to even shop.

Seriously! Me not wanting to shop!

Rosalie looks pissed.

I would have thought that with Thirty years to get used to the idea, she would have just let it go but no, she has her mate and so can't understand what its like to not have one…or face the possibility of losing the one you have.

"Alice I never have, and still don't agree with this. Bringing a human into our lives not only puts us at risk from the Volturi, but also at risk from ourselves. How difficult its going to be for us with her scent" Rosalie ranted "I know Carlisle has the strength but for the rest of us, having to be so close to her for long periods of time facing the Bloodlust, especially Jasper. It's not right and you know it…"

"Alice!" Edward interrupted "What was that last thought you just had? What's that about?"

Shit_._

"It's nothing Edward; just an errant though brought on by my fear that certain people…" I glare at Rose. "…may try to change things for their own selfish ends"

"Whatever Alice" Rose snarled back "Will you be ok with this Jasper? How's your thirst?"

**Jasper's POV**

"I'm fine Rose" Fuck no, she didn't! I am sick of being seen as the weakest link here and being the back-up argument when any of them get into pissing competitions trying to score a point.

I noticed Edward's expression.

"_Yeah you can cringe at that Edward, if you don't like what you hear get outta my fuckin' head"_

"I hunted early this morning. For me, I could care less about it so long as she keeps the secret and is eventually turned"and maybe once this starts to play out, Alice will not be so focused on it and we can spend some quality time together, something that seems to have been in short supply recently. Damned if I can understand the whirlwind of emotions that she has been giving out lately and she sure as shit ain't talking to me about them no matter how much I ask. Fear and guilt seem to be the two most dominant ones. Emmett now! I could almost drown in those mischievous emotions the big guy is throwing out.

"Give over Rose baby, everyone just needs to chill" Emmett finally decided to add his two cents worth "Jasper dude your going to be fine, and the rest of you should have more faith in the guy. Personally I am looking forward to getting a new little sis' that I can rag on because you guys are not as much fun as a little bitty human. There is also the fact the Eddy boy is going to finally get some…man your cherry is going to go with such a bang after hundred plus years of waiting that the humans will think world war three has started"

**Edward's POV**

"Please Emmett do you mind?" I refuse to take any more of his garbage "I cannot believe that you say things like that. From Alice's visions Bella is a lady who is quite shy and clumsy and I will not have you making her feel more uncomfortable than she is bound to feel around us, especially at first"

I swear I will be pissed if he starts using my love as his own personal entertainment system. She is too delicate and precious to be subjected to his crass, and too often, boisterous sense of humour. God I can't wait to finally meet her. Her likes and dislikes seem to be akin to mine and her compliant nature means she will look to my lead in all things which is exactly how it should be. Her natural beauty shining through without the aid of makeup or the modern clothing trends that young women feel they need to wear to be attractive to men. I will treasure her and take care of her every need. She will want for nothing and when the time comes and we are married, I will worship her glorious body every day; making love slowly and beautifully, each of us being the first for the other, learning together the pleasure of our bodies.

"Hey Edward your kinda giving off emotions there that are not helping me here" Jasper laughed "I mean please! It's bad enough trying to block out these children's lustful vibes without you too adding to it. Plus I think standing there sporting a tent in your pants might give Jessica Stanley a false hope judging by the way she is drooling at you" he finally finished with a snort.

"Whoa there Eddy, I didn't actually realise that your dick was in working order" guffawed Emmett "Man, I can't wait to see what happens when she is with you if this happens at just the thought of her. She must be one hell of a hot lil' bit…fuck Rose, what did you do that for?"

"You start thinking of anyone but I, as _hot _and I'll do more than slap you upside the head. Your balls will be bluer than a smurfs before you get any loving"

"Aw Rosie" Emmett said in his best little boy voice "you know your more than enough woman for me. I don't need anyone else baby just you and no-one can compare to you with hotness…Listen! Here she comes. Jesus, what the hell is she riding in? It's louder than a 747 taking off…good tune playing though"

**Alice POV**

Huh! I didn't see any music being played when she arrives, wait…she is not supposed to have a system in her truck, as Em, Rose and Jazz buy her one for her birthday! What is happening here? This is not what I saw.

"Isn't that The Pussycat Dolls '_Buttons' _playing?From what Alice and Edward have said I wouldn't have thought she'd play such _risqué _music" snorted Rose.

"Yeah well, I hope she hurries and gets out because I want to see her" Emmett practically squealed "She's parked her truck back to us so, come on Bella give us a look…Ohh! Here her co…"

**Emmett**** POV**

_Holy shit on a stick. I am gonna have to spend the rest of my eternal life chasing away the little pricks who are gonna be sniffing around lil' __bit like pups on a teat. _

**Rosalie**** POV**

_Hum! Gi__rls got game. No competition to me of course but pussy boy Ed is gonna be pissing his pants trying to handle that. Might be fun to have her around after all…sheesh, Edward is drooling like the little boy he is._

**Alice**** POV**

Who_ is _that?_ That is not the Bella I saw. What the hell is happening? _How_ is this so t_otally_ different to my vision? Damn she has style…NO! _I'm_ supposed to give her style._

**Edward**** POV**

_Who__? What? I...I, that's not what Alice saw. Oh my God she's hot…Where's my Bella, my lady? Jesus look at those legs…NO! Don't think of them in case of…shit, that's uncomfortable; I need to adjust myself without anyone noticing._

**Jasper**** POV**

_Where did the ground go as I feel like I'm floating on air and the only thing that is grounding me is _her._ Mine…my mouth on her neck…my mark on her…covered in my scent…her eyes are looking at us, scanning over me and the rest of us…MINE! My girl, my baby is girl is speaking to me, to us_

**Bella's POV**

"What the fuck are you all looking at?"

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**A/N**

Ok guys there it is, my first chapter of my first fic soooo…

R & R please as I want to know how it is, both the good and bad but please, no flames cos that shit is not constructive…just mean. Also, just to warn you that the grammar probably sucks as no beta and no patience to _thoroughly _check this as too excited about posting it *kiss*


	2. Chapter 2

Hearts and flowers to 'moore8879', who took a peek at this for me, made it worthy of posting and then sent it back. I'm always gonna fiddle with it after so anything that's wrong with is my own friggin' fault for not leaving well enough alone!

**Disclaimer:** Uh yeah! Forgot that on the last chapter soooo…The Uber-Talented Stephanie Meyer owns absolutely everything in the Twilight-e-verse. I just want to play with them and make them behave badly *smirks*

Chapter 2

**Bella's POV**

Phone is ringing.

Phone is still ringing.

Where the hell is the bloody phone?

Oh yeah! It's in the living room on top of the coffee table.

"Swan residence"

"Bella?"

"Yeah Cha…dad"

He makes it sound like a question, who else did he friggin' expect it to be?

"Yeah, err hey kid; I just wanted to wish you good luck...first day an' all. Sorry I didn't catch you this morning but well you know…" Charlie stammered out.

Yeah I know. I know he can't do this shit any more than I can. It's just one long list of the Swan traits we have in common. I'm a daddy's girl through and through.

It could have been worse though!

"No worries dad, I'll err, catch you later"

"Umm... well about that. Did you have any ideas for dinner tonight?" Charlie asked hesitantly.

"No plans. Why? You gonna take me out to dinner?"

"Oh, erm, yeah we can do that if you want but I was wondering if you... you know kind of minded making something, perhaps. If you didn't have any plans that is…" Charlie said with a hopeful tone.

Not only no, but a **Hell No**! I learned to shake my booty with the best of them, but I am not dancing to the beat of the domestic drum. I'll do my fair share but Cinder-fuckin'-Bella I ain't. This is not going to be a tradition in the making.

"Tell you what, we will order pizza for tonight and we'll see about coming to an arrangement later. Okay? I'm going to be busy with school, studying and possibly looking for a job."

Translation, going to be busy with boys, bitches and fuckin' with a certain family, but Charlie doesn't need to sweat the details, hee hee.

"Okay, kiddo no problem, we will tackle it later. Have a good day." Charlie said with genuine feeling.

"You too dad, take care."

"Always do."

He hung up the phone.

Shit! Now I feel bad.

I know Charlie cares but he's just so clueless.

How an' hell did my 'rents stay together long enough to have me or let alone have a crack at making it work, it defies my intelligence.

I can't blame Renee too much for being a piss poor mother. She tried, I'll give her that, but when I hit my teens the stupid moo decided that her "duty" was done and she couldn't hack it anymore and as they say, "That was fuckin' that."

Good thing, I didn't have to rely on her for the past 3 years. Good riddance.

Bollocks! Now I'm depressing myself.

Its all water under the bridge Swan, get over it.

Thank heavens for Sis. Without her I have no fuckin' clue what I'd be like now.

Okay, well actually I do.

Speaking of which, where's my phone?

**Texting:**

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

_What do you do to a man with a high sperm count?_

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

_Isn't it too fuckin' early for you to be sending dirty jokes? Ok, I'll play. What?_

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

_Chew!_

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

_Har-de-fuckin' har, har. Get your sweet lil' ass to school. Today's the day._

I wish she were here with me now.

Gah! Now I'm depressed, again!

**Bad-ass Bella to Sexy Sis:**

_I miss you_

**Sexy Sis to Bad-ass Bella:**

_Me too, Sweetie. Me too. I want all the fuckery details later, you hear *smooches* Now git!_

She's right. You need to put the big girl pants, Swanie.

So let's see. Hair: check. Big barrel bangs hanging halfway down my back that will probably last all of 10 fuckin' minutes in this damp crap.

Make-up: check. Smoky, take me to bed eyes and crimson gloss. I didn't even know it came in that colour. Where the hell did sis' buy this stuff?

Hmm... What to wear or not to wear; that is the question!

The "Wonder bra", is the best bloody invention ever. I worked my girls to perfection in my white tight tank and black sleeveless slouch top over it. Cut at that happy medium between sexy and slut.

The skirt was practically non-existent; it's exactly how a skirt should be worn. Sis drilled it into me everyday goddamn day. As long as you cover your ass, you're good. I put on tights because I don't want to be flashing my goodies to just any Tom, Dick or pervert…at least not intentionally.

Smirking to myself, I considered the crème de resistance to my outfit, the love of my life since I mastered the art of walking in 'em my black knee high boots complete with 3 inch heels with enough buckles to make any dominatrix drool. Oh yeah! If there is one thing I absolutely need to thank sis for is teaching me to walk, not strut, in fan-fuckin'-tastic, shit kicking, footwear. I own it.

I put on my leather full length trench coat and I grab a granola bar.

I'm outta here.

The drive through Forks is dull and depressing but mercifully short. At least I can play some tunes in my brand spanking new, top of the range stereo. It was a parting gift. Which happens to fit my truck…fuckin' figures.

I take the only turn off, of the only "main street".

There is a big ass sign announcing the tiny school.

Starting a new school already halfway through the school year, lucky fucky me.

It's "FFHS", Forks fuckin' High School, grand population of 756 students.

I did detention with more bleeding kids than that back in Phoenix.

Well here goes (nothing).

It's Showtime!

I climbed out of my truck, taking extra special effort to flash as much leg as I can get away with using the high step of my truck as an excuse, which is a pretty amazing amount, while making sure I don't flash my hootchie.

I know every fuckin' eye in the place will be on me, being the new girl in town. I glance around. Yep! I'm right. In fact, there's so much bug eye and drooling happening I have to resist the urge to check if the back of my skirt isn't tucked into my knickers or if one of my boobs hasn't gone AWOL from my bra.

Fuck it!

I glance down; skirt good and my tits are still tucked in.

I look up and there they are.

Five stock still statue's that aren't even trying to pretend to blend in.

Twats.

Well now let's see what we've got.

Wow! The rusty haired boy is sporting one hell of a boner. He's gonna have to spank that puppy or he's gonna baste his boxers.

The spiky haired little pixie next to him is wearing an interesting array of expressions kind of a confused, pained, dumbstruck look. It is very unattractive. It is funny though.

Holy shit on a stick!

That guy is a fuckin' freak of nature his thighs are bigger than my waist. Awww... he has a confused look that is sort of cute on him.

Now the blonde bitch there that is giving me the stink eye is my kind of bitch and I am all over that. Yup! Not gonna be bored with her around that's for sure.

An finally, yum – fuckin' – eeeee!

All hail the blonde god!

Those obsidian eyes are looking at me with so much intensity that half of me wants to run like the dickens and my other half wants to impale myself on his cock and ride him like a redneck rodeo.

Focus Swan, focus.

Not cool, not right and not gonna happen…yet.

I level them with the sexiest smirk and make my introduction to FFHS and the Cullen's.

"What the fuck are you all looking at?"

Oh yeah! Bella Swan has arrived and she is in the building.

**A/N**

Thanx to everyone who reviewed and who put me on alerts, fave's etc. You made me feel all kinds of sexy about posting my first fic...hugs to all of you.

And I am going to blow giganticus kisses to the following as I threw myself on their mercy and they responded wonderfully:

'VampishVixen'

'cybrmama'

'mama4dukes'

'moonchild707'

'ace1014'

'missrainlover'

'moore8879'

You need to go check out their stories because there is a reason I pestered them…their fic's fuckin' rock!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. Never have, never will…you know the drill!

Chapter 3

**Edwards POV**

What an earth just happened and what an earth am I going to do about this...this?

Watching Bella walk away is not helping any, that ass, them legs...Ahh stop it!

Look away. Think! Think!

My piano in pieces...nope.

Jessica Stanley trying to flirt with me...

Oh thank you, it's starting to go down...

Miss Cole's fantasies about me bending her over the office

Wow! That shrank it so fast I want to check it didn't shrivel up and die! I cop a quick feel and am re-assured that's not the case.

I sigh with relief. I may not do alot with it but that isn't really the point is it?

Now I'm capable of coherent thought I check on the state of the rest of my family.

Yeah, there not doing so well.

Alice is holding her head, eyes closed chuntering "What did I miss? That's not our Bella" like a record stuck on repeat.

Emmett is wearing a vacant look and has a death grip on Rosalie's shoulder which he

is shaking gently to the beat of "wha? Wha? Wha?"

Rosalie is laughing.

She is practically bent double and I've no doubt she would be choking and have tears streaming down her face if it were possible.

Jasper's eyes are the colour of pitch and he looks so feral that if the students weren't so

busy gawking at Bella, they would be running, screaming and crying to the local

authorities.

We are the Cullen's. People talk about our family with reverence. Comment

on our social conduct. Whisper about our wealth.

Right now we look like we're waiting for the special bus and forgot to take our medication.

"For goodness sake pull yourselves together" I hiss to low and fast for anyone else to hear "remember where we are!"

Now I start to focus, their thoughts filter in as they slowly get a grip.

Alice's flip through memories of her visions of Bella and though I can see the resemblance to the Bella that just sashayed into the building; they don't really do her justice.

No! My penis is twitching again...down! down! Miss Cole, Miss Cole, Miss Cole.

I. AM. A. VAMPIRE!

My control should be better than this. It's never behaved like this before, maybe it's malfunctioning?

I'll have word with Carlisle later.

"I like her. Can we still keep her even though she's not exactly like pixie here envisioned?" Emmett asked, his thoughts already turning to the fun he could have with her.

Rosalie is still laughing.

Jasper's eyes are still black and his body tense. This is not good. I can't imagine the emotions he's been getting off us and it doesn't look like he's getting control of it.

"Em! Rose! grab Jasper" I snap as I quickly take his arm.

His thoughts are chaotic. An endless whirl of Bella...Bella's neck. Bella's skin. Bella's legs. One of Bella's legs up high and the other...Jesus! is that even humanly possible?

"I can only surmise that a combination of the shock we have all felt and the...err, lust some of us might have felt..." I barely hold in a whimper as my penis twitches at the memory "…may have overwhelmed him a little"

"A little! Are you serious?" Rosalie managed laughingly; though taking Jasper's other arm as she did so "This is classic! That's…"she indicated towards the school "…supposed to be the love of your life you've been waiting for. Your mate?"

She was barely holding on to losing it again.

"She'll eat you up and spit your Victorian- Lilly ass back out. Oh boy! I can't wait to see this…"

"Jasper needs to hunt" Alice finally joined in. "Rose, if you and Em will take him…I need to stay here…need to know…find out. I'm looking but I'm getting nothing…" she trailed off.

She walked over to Jasper and gave him a quick kiss. "I'll see you later baby. Go with them and I'll join you later, Kay?"

Obviously not expecting an answer she wandered off to, I presume, her class still muttering to herself.

"I'll stay too. I'll keep an eye on Alice and make your excuses for your absence"

I'll also see if I can fathom out the deal with this girl. She hasn't been here 5 minutes and already she's contradicted everything we thought we knew about her. Granted it wasn't too much as Alice mostly got snippets here and there but still, this is not the Bella Swan…type of girl…I expected.

"Sure bro, whatever. But I want details later, you feel me?" Emmett's hand replaced my hand on Jasper's arm, gently pulling him away towards the car.

Jasper's thoughts were still centred on Bella but he seemed to be in control of himself, allowing himself to be led. It's not worth taking the risk though. Strangely, his thoughts seemed to be totally about sexual lust; he couldn't detect any blood lust thoughts at all.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that and it's not like he couldn't identify with them.

"Come on Jasper, lets get you out of here" Rose was still chuckling as she, Emmett and Jasper left.

I made the decision to listen in on Bella's thoughts as I made my way to second period.

I had 'overheard' that moron Mike Newton saying that Bella was in Trigonometry next so I manoeuvred through many, _many_ mindless thoughts trying to find Bella's.

What I didn't expect was the onslaught of thoughts _about _Bella…I am going to have to strap my penis to my thigh if this doesn't stop…but no Bella.

I finally found Jessica Stanley as she walked into class with Bella. Her mouth running a mile a minute yet didn't even come close to the contradictory, and really quite nasty, thoughts she was having about her. But from Bella? Nothing.

Huh! There seems to be a growing number of things malfunctioning today.

Vowing to figure it out later, I content myself with watching Bella through Jessica's eyes…

_Jessica takes her seat as Bella hands her slip to Mr Varner._

"_Ah Yes. Isabella Swan"_

"'_Bella' will do"_

"_Hm. Okay 'Bella', how about you introduce yourself to the class? Tell us a little about yourself?"_

"_Or…how about, not?"_

"_Oh come on Miss Swan, there's no need to be shy" _

"_It's got nothing to do with being shy Mr…Varner is it? I doubt there is anyone hear who doesn't know who I am"_

"_Oh, erm…"_

"_Seriously! Let's have a show of hands if you don't know who I am. See, told you. They _all _know and I'm sorry but I'm not gonna share private shi…stuff about myself because I don't want to" _

At this she sauntered down the aisle and dropped into the seat next to Jessica who, from her thoughts, was awestruck.

Mr Varner seemed unsure about what to do and about what had just happened.

Yeah well! Welcome to the club.

"_Perhaps you should start the class Mr Varner?"_

"_Perhaps you should join me for detention after school today Miss Swan?"_

"_No problem. I didn't have anything better to do anyway"_

She turned to look directly at Jessica, smirking.

"_Damn. That's a record even for me!"_

**A/N**

You know what to do…Read & Review. Like it, love it, loathe it… I want to know.

Yeah it's short, but chapter 4 is being beta'd as I speak by the lurvily 'moore8879'. I didn't send her this *hangs head in shame* because I am too impatient so any and all mistakes (and I bet there are loads) are down to me


	4. Chapter 4

Hearts & Roses to 'moore8879' who is not only a fab-tastic Beta but has the patience of a Saint when dealing with my confused Ass!

**SM** still owns it all; except for Bella's attitude…that shit is mine!

Chapter 4

**Bella POV**

I followed Jessica and Mike into the cafeteria for lunch bemused by the fact that the girl seemed incapable of shutting up. Her lips kept moving and sound came out yet all I hear is Blah, Blah, fuckin' Blah.

Perhaps this is a good thing though; if her mouth stopped moving her brain might kick in and judging by her inane chatter, I truly think that would be a catastrophe of epic proportions.

I have had to listen to her garbage **all** fuckin' morning. Jessica seems to have nominated herself to be a one woman welcome wagon.

I could probably, maybe possibly stand it if she was genuinely being nice.

These last few years have been formative and I'm not fuckin' stupid. I know she's getting off on the attention from being with "the new girl" rather than my actual company.

Moronic little Moo.

Choosing food from a somewhat limited selection that was more _Cordon Bleh _than _Cordon Bleu_, trulydisgusting to say the least, I found myself at a table squished between Jessica and Mike. Lauren sat on the other side of Mike. She was clearly pissed off at the hotness that is lil' ol' me and the attention I was getting.

A sweet girl called Angela sat on Jessica's other side leaving Tyler, Ben and I think the guys name was Eric sitting across from us.

Most of the kids in the room kept glancing over to our table and to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention to any of them. With the exception of Angela, who looked like she would really benefit from some "Bad-ass Swan magic" to be worked on her, the rest just weren't that fuckin' interesting.

Except…look at who just walked in.

"I see you've noticed the Cullen's" Jessica interrupted my thoughts as we watched the two in question get some food and sit down.

"I wonder where the rest of them are. I was sure they were all here this morning." Jessica continued.

"Yeah, not that your stalkingly fixated on them or anything." snorted Eric "I don't get what the fuss is all about, really. I mean they don't do anything or talk to anyone except with each other."

"I hear you dude. I can't help but wonder what they do with each other." laughed Tyler waggling his eyebrows suggestively and bumping his fist with Eric.

"As I was saying..." Jessica shot a glare at both of them "…that's Edward and Alice Cullen. Their juniors like us. The ones that are missing are seniors: Emmett Cullen and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. Dr Cullen is like..."

At Jaspers name I gave a little start and tuned Jessica out.

So Jasper wasn't a Cullen.

I didn't know that.

Observing the two Cullens that were here was fuckin' funny to say the least.

They each wore a pained and confused expression whilst pushing their food aimlessly around, mostly looking down with an occasional glance at our table.

"...so I wouldn't even try to go there because nobody here is apparently good enough to date." Jessica finished with a turned up nose.

Hmm... It sounds like sour grapes.

"Yeah, you'd definitely be wasting your time, Bella" Lauren said my name with a sneer and giving her hair a toss.

"Maybe he just needs, ahem, a real woman. You know something new, fresh and not fake"

I kept eye contact with Lauren but in my peripheral vision. I noted Edward's head rise up sharply as he fixed his gaze on me.

"Oh please! You're nothing special. In fact, look at how pale you are. Aren't you supposed to be like all tan and shit coming from Arizona?"

I can't believe the bitch went there. I actually, wouldn't have credited Lauren with having the cojones to stand up to me. She may think she's all that here in FFHS but nobody pulls that shit on Sis's Swan.

I flashed the sweetest fuckin' smile that I can muster.

"UV rays are very harmful to the skin and only idiots think that having skin as tough as old leather is attractive. Personally, I find that a good, clean, healthy complexion that doesn't need a trowel's worth of base to cover scutty skin..." I pointedly focus on Lauren's patchy, dry orange-tinged face "...is much more appealing to guys. They prefer the fresh, sweet look."

Lauren's eyes narrowed but her smile matched mine for its sugary sweetness. "Well you're not exactly fresh faced and sweet yourself are you? You sure as hell ain't a lady in them boots"

Oh. Fuck. No. She did not just dis' the boots. Time to put this fuckin' little bitch to bed cos time is getting on and so am I.

I do a couple of little affected sneezes.

"Oh dear, bless me. It seems I'm allergic to fakeness. Does anyone have a tissue I could..." and whilst holding my left index finger delicately underneath my nose, I calmly reached over Mike with my right hand dipping it into Lauren's left bra cup and plucked out of wad of tissue. "Much appreciated Lauren, thank you."

Lauren's squeals attracted the few remaining eyes that weren't focused on our table. They were just in time to see her leap up and, amid gales of laughter, race out of the cafeteria; with her left tit significantly smaller and less bouncy than the other.

Jessica looked stunned and, hastily covered up her own boobies with one arm. She gathered her and Laurens's belongings still keeping one arm covering her chest, and mumbled something about 'checking on Lauren' and 'returning her stuff'.

I held out my hand holding the tissue "Do you want this? Though, I do believe the ladies loos are well stocked."

"Err, no, I'll...erm, that'll be..." she trailed off. She clutched the bags in a death grip to her chest and she hurried out in the same direction that Lauren took off in.

"Jesus Swan that was naaaasty!" commented Mike, though the ear-splitting grin he wore negated any censorship of my actions.

I merely raised my eyebrows in silent acknowledgement as my attention was on the Cullen's table. Alice was looking rather fearful and holding her arms across her own chest. Edward on the other hand was sporting a sexy lop-sided smile and his eyes positively shone with mirth.

Huh!

Boner boy has a sense of humour. Who knew?

My attention was brought back to my table by Angela.

"Bella, don't you think that was a little rough?"

Fuck no! That was me being nowhere near as rough.

I noticed Angela didn't feel the need to protect her bosom.

Good for her!

Surprisingly that took away my anger at her for the rebuke.

"Maybe, at least she might stop playing 'grown-up dress-up'. That shit is fuckin' funny when your five years old; not so hot in high school."

"Do girls really do that alot...stuff their bras?" asked Eric promptly causing Mike, Tyler, his and Ben's eyes to lower.

Their eyes flicked between mine and Angela's boobs.

"Hey!" squeaked Angela.

She finally chose now to cross her arms around her chest. Inadvertently, squashing and raising up her own girls. Not really helping her protest at all.

Ben, I noticed in particular, flushed a deep red and his ears were beaming like beacons.

"Well it's been my experience that too many girls try to conform to what the media portrays as the "ideal" body shape and size of what they should look like. It's shit like that which takes normal girls and turns 'em into paranoid idiots and leaves them open to ridicule."

Oh just shut your fuckin' mouth Swan.

They probably think you sound like their grand-fuckin'-mothers.

"Do you have much experience with girl's boobies and bodies then?" Tyler asked slyly

Or maybe not.

"I probably know a lot more than you." I replied saucily with a wink just as the bell rang.

I stood up with Angela and we grabbed our bags ready to leave.

The boys stayed in their seats wearing identical slack-jawed expressions.

Angela just looked at them, confused at their lack of movement.

"Aren't you guys coming?"

I linked my arm through hers and headed towards the exit.

"They'll follow soon enough. It just takes them a minute. Let's go."

God I love teenage boys, they make it too easy.

Angela glanced back at Ben and giggled.

Maybe there's hope for the girl yet, I thought as we made our way to Biology class.

I handed my slip to Mr Banner and mentally dared him to make me stand there and give a formal fuckin' introduction to the class.

"Ah, Miss Swan" he said barely glancing at me "open seat down there beside Mr Cullen, if you would please".

Yup. Mr's Varner and Banner talk to each other. Good men.

As I walked towards my seat I realised that Edward was staring at me with a look of furious disbelief and hatred. His eyes were as coal black as Jasper's had been, but Edward had his hand over his mouth looking for intents and purposes like he was going to throw up.

What. The. Fuck.

Parking my arse on the stool I noticed the grip he had on the table edge. "Ok rude much with the 'you smell' face and your gonna take a chunk of the desk if your not careful"

He loosened his grip slightly and moved an inch further away from me.

I moved an inch closer. "So I'm Bella, just in case you hadn't actually heard"

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

He moved another inch away.

So I moved another inch closer.

"You're gonna be out the window if you keep doing that".

This was fun.

I raised my hand to give him a poke just to see how far away he was prepared to 'inch' when two things happened: Mr Banner called the class to attention and my right butt cheek vibrated.

Surreptitiously sneaking out my phone under the desk I saw I had a text message.

**Sparkles to Princess:**

Ease off princess NOW.

Do NOT speak or even look at him.

I will speak to you later.

Well shit!

Huh! I think I'm actually pouting.

Spoil my fun much.

I want to look at Edward. But I don't.

I want to poke my pen in Edward's ear just to see if anything would stick to it. But I don't.

Instead I shift my stool back to its original position and for the rest of the period I'm channelling Polly-fuckin'-Anna.

I've learnt the hard way not to go against certain advice.

But there had better be a bloody explanation waiting for me later.

Edward doesn't move, doesn't even breath until the bell goes then he was up and off before I've even realised the class was over.

Whatever!

Finally! Last but not least, Gym class.

I actually quite enjoy Gym these days. Tight tops and short shorts…what's not to like?

Having a reputation for klutziness…Thank you Charlie…meant I could have a fuckload of fun and get away with it.

For example…consistently _miss-hitting _the volleyball into various persons scattered around the room.

Lauren was the first to need the nurse.

Several students offered her tissue for her bloody nose, which she declined.

At the end of the lesson Coach Clapp announced we would be starting badminton next.

Oh goody, a racquet.

Several students' eyes cut to me looking worried.

Hee Hee.

I took my slip to hand in at the office to which Miss Cole took it off me wordlessly, her chest looking rather smaller than it had done this morning.

"I think I'm gonna like it hereeeeee" I sang as I trotted off to detention.

**A/N**

Like it, love, loathe it. Tell me…

This chap was a little longer than usual but, Bella just has fuck loads to say and who I am to shut her up...as if I would fuckin' dare!

The song at the end is from the film 'Annie' just in case you cared *sniggers*


	5. Chapter 5

I'm sending smooches to 'moore8879' who is not only fuckfantastic Beta but writes her own fuckawesome fic's. If you like a Vampwich with Bella as the filling for sexy-assed Vamp bread then you need to read 'em. There are 2 on the menu so far: Jasper/Bella/Peter and Jasper/Bella/Carlisle…just make sure you read 'em in Private *winks*

Chapter 5

**Jasper POV**

Rose drove us home from school while Emmett sat in the back with me.

After saying she would catch up with us later, Rose left to inform Esme of this morning's activities. She would also ask if Esme could explain to the school as to why three of her 'children' are suddenly absent.

Good luck with that!

Emmett and I split up to hunt. Though I wasn't particularly hungry, I still took down two deer and a mountain lion and after that was beyond sated.

I found some rocks at the edge of a river and I decided to sit and wait for Em and Rose to join me.

I knew I couldn't put off thinking about it any longer.

I sighed, closed my eyes and bent over to let my head sag between my knees.

What the fuck just happened?

I knew my eyes had turned back to Amber and I felt truly in control of myself now but, I still didn't have an answer. I had never had a response like that to anyone before.

Not even Alice.

Did I want her blood? Well she smelt mighty nice an' all. She smelled of some flowery shit that I'm sure pansy-ward could identify.

Oddly enough, her smell reminded me of home from my human life.

Blood lust. No.

Lust?

_(Flashback)_

_I wanted to take her on the floor right there in the middle of the parking lot. I wanted to straddle her as I used one hand to pin her arms up above her head and the other hand would be thrusted into a fist into all that hair. I would have her helpless underneath me as I bit to mark her and had her scream my name. _

_I wanted to claim her as mine in front of them all, letting them, and her know who she fuckin' belonged to._

_It scared the fuckin' shit out of me._

_I went docilely with Rose and Em. I was swamped with confusion and guilt that was all mine. Confusion for the intensity of the image and guilt because of Alice._

_My wife, Alice._

_In my peripheral I could see that the rest of them were also having a 'short circuit' moment, which was fuckin' lucky for me._

_(End of Flashback)_

I don't think Edward received a good read on my thoughts as he seemed to be having a few issues of his own. I sniggered at this thought. I was glad that something still made me smile.

I owed my wife with every fibre of my being. Not that I didn't think I would have survived without her, because that is undisputable.

I was a Major in a human war and I was the biggest bad-ass vampire that the south has ever produced. I had been great in my human life and I fuckin' excelled in my un-dead one and nothing would ever have made me give it up. But…

Lonely.

For the last few years that I was with Maria the loneliness grew with each passing day.

When I left with Peter and Charlotte I lived with them for a while. We had a great time, raising all kinds of merry hell on both the living and on the un-dead alike.

I still fuckin' smirk when I remembered when a rumor reached us that a Texas Warlord wanted to take out "The Whitlock's".

Though, we no longer participated in the southern wars, our…my, reputation was such that it would be a _coup de grace _to be the one to end the Major and his Captain.

We snuck into his compound and I used my gift to render the thirty or so newborn males practically unconscious. We ripped their dicks off of them and strung them up with hundreds of Christmas lights. I lifted my gift off of them and we watched them scramble around to find their own dicks'. They fought over them and finally tried to reattach them with a typical newborn lack of patience. It was a fuckin' scream of the century.

Then we blew up the compound like it was the fuckin' Fourth of July firework party.

The Warlord was absent on that particular evening. Strangely enough, we never heard from him again or had any problems with the other southerners.

Oh yea! Life was interesting again.

Peter and Char, were very much a self-sufficient unit. I tired eventually of feeling like a spare. I mean yeah, they were, and probably still are, generous with their lovin', and they were always more than willing to let me join them…'the more the merrier' being very much their motto, but I wanted more.

I wanted a Charlotte of my own. No matter who or how many joined them in their bed, Charlotte was very much Peter's and he, hers.

Meeting Alice and then finding the Cullen's is to account for some of my most tranquil, even if not some of the most overly exciting, years of my long life. They each became family to me the same way Peter and Char were.

The difference is I can't get away with far less shit than I could with those two. Edward probably couldn't bear to touch his own dick let alone rip 'em off other's for the sheer hell of it.

I could most likely persuade Emmett to have a go. Rosalie too would probably get some enjoyment out of it too.

Food for thought.

Alice and I satisfied our loneliness we felt with each other and there is love there. We know we're not mates in the true sense of the word like Carlisle and Esme, Emmett and Rosalie, but we are happy and agreed never to change it. Each of us believed that our "soul mates" weren't out there waiting for us.

That is why I feel so fuckin' bad right now.

I have the most fuck-awful feeling that my response was not unusual at all.

In mates.

I won't let this happen.

I could be wrong.

I can go over to her house, smell her scent, and perhaps see her.

I could prove that I'm wrong and that she is nothing more than a hot…a really incredibly, fuckawesome hot…girl who, if Alice's visions are correct will end up marrying my anal-ward brother and completing our family.

Judging by Bella's appearance and the mouth on her, I couldn't actually imagine a more miss-matched pair. It felt painful to think of Bella with Edward. I do think it would be fuckin' hilarious to watch Edward try to 'woo' her.

"Hey man, you look like you're trying to give yourself a blow job in that position" guffawed Emmett "not possible dude. I know, I've tried"

I raised my head to see him and Rose had joined me on the rocks. Both were beaming from their "hunt" and were looking decidedly worse for wear.

"Your one sick fuck Em. Is Rose not doing it right, that you have done it to yourself?" I asked with a smirk.

I was just quick enough to inch back out of the way of the stone missile that was launched at my crotch by Rose at around hundred miles per hour.

"Funny aren't you! So... do you feel better?" Rose asked slyly.

Fuck. That girl is entirely too intuitive for her own good. Lucky for me she really is like my 'twin' that we pretend to be.

I know she won't call me on it, so ignored her and the three of us just laid back and enjoyed the day off we have unexpectedly gained. Even Emmett seemed to be in deep contemplation and I could pretty much guess what he was mulling over.

I stead-fastedly refused to give anymore head time to Bella – fuckin' – Swan. Preferring instead to mentally compose a letter to the eminent idiot historians about their inaccurate shit account of the Civil war.

Denial... who me!

Eventually, our peace ended with the arrival of Alice home from school. She didn't look any better than she had when we left her. In fact, I would say she looked worse.

What the fuck happened now?

"How was your day, dear?" Rosalie asked sarcastically.

"Not good Rose." was Alice's soft response.

The sarcasm clearly doing a flyby over her head

"You wouldn't believe just how bad...You couldn't know…Where is our Bella? Not the…person" she spluttered "…that arrived today."

I automatically bristled at her tone of voice she used when she mentioned Bella and then mentally berated myself.

Not doing that and I am not going there!

"What exactly happened today after we left? What did Bella do?" asked Rosalie, positively brimming with curiosity.

Alice told us everything.

By the end of it she was sat hunched over herself with her arms clasped tightly around her waist.

Crickets' chirping was the only sound.

"Bella is Edward's singer? Holy shit! I can't believe he didn't drain her right there and then." Emmett finally broke the silence.

A low growl escaped me before I could stop it. Luckily it was covered as Emmett continued "How is he gonna be able to be around her day after day?"

"Yeah Alice. I'm going to be really pissed if he kills the bitch's ass. I think I might actually like her, but mostly I don't want to move again."

Rosalie…ever the pragmatist.

"He left. He went to the hospital after school and spoke to Carlisle and left. He's gone to Denali to Tanya's family. Esme is beside herself."

"The chicken shit ran away? Well that's just fuckin' great." Rosalie was close to losing it big time "How are we going to explain that, huh? Selfish, dumbfuck piece of…"

"NO! NO! This is a good thing." Alice cut Rose off happily "In fact it's the first right thing that's happened all day. Edward ran in my visions too but he comes back. When he comes back he talks to her and gets to know her. It's how it all starts..."

Her emotions suddenly swung from ecstatic to worry.

"Or will it still happen like that? She is different, maybe…" Alice mumbled.

Now I'm being hit with determination and a hint of guilt.

"I'm err...going for a run. I need to clear my head a little. You know see if I can see how this will turn out. I'll be back in a bit." and off she ran.

Her emotions were bouncing around like a bobble-head doll watching a tennis match whilst stoned. I'm quite grateful that she has left. I think I may be the first vampire in history to ever get a fuckin' headache.

Leave it to Rosalie to sum it up succinctly. "She's off her fuckin' rocker."

I couldn't in all honesty disagree. I know she was really looking forward to having Bella as a friend. She gets on okay with Rose but they don't really have much in common.

Alice likes to be needed and to be helpful. Rosalie doesn't fit into either category and unfortunately it looks like Bella doesn't either.

Emmett slung his arm around Rose's waist pulling her to the floor and onto his lap "Aw Rose, don't be too judgemental. Alice is just Alice and she doesn't mean any harm. You could try being a little nicer to her baby."

"Pssh! I don't do nice Em. I tell it like it is and I'm telling you, the Pixie is playing with half a pack right now with this obsession. I mean we all moved here because of her and her visions. Normally, I would never bet against Alice but YOU saw Bella for yourself and you heard what happened at school! Now, I love Edward like a brother despite his…faults. But can you honestly see this Bella with him…getting up close…" she snuggled her head into Emmett's neck "…and personal with him…" she nibbled on his ear "…intimately?"

That's it! I'm not watching the "Rose and Em make a porn movie" show. I'm gone…

"Something is coming up fast from the south." Emmett burst out suddenly, his nostrils were flaring. "Vampire." he said as he jumped up to crouch defensively in front of Rosalie.

I rolled my eyes "It's only Alice you big oaf".

That's strange. I didn't think she would be back so soon.

Laughing I leapt to my feet "Quick! Protect the women folk from the pint sized pixie or she'll…"

Okay.

Alice had come to a halt about 10 feet from us.

Her black hair was indistinguishable from the black…whatever it was …that streaked down the side of he face, chin and neck. Her top had black trails across it and what appeared to be a black handprint on the hip of her skirt.

I knew my eyes had darkened as I felt my temper rise.

"What the hell happened to you? Who did it? I'll rip them to fuckin' pieces!" I hissed as I walked towards her.

She held up her hand to halt my approach "I'm fine." she practically seethed with anger "I'm not hurt, at least not physically although I'm sure my clothes are ruined!"

I could feel anguish coming from her.

What is going on?

"I went to Bella's house. I'm sorry; I just wanted to see her"

Her face had that demented look about her again. Not good.

"My mind wouldn't stop spinning. I was trying to figure out what the deal was with her."

I could appreciate that.

"So I climbed up to her bedroom window. I had seen Edward do it plenty of times in my visions you know – sneaking in her room." she whispered with a look of chagrin on her face. "I noticed the window was a different colour from my visions but the window wouldn't open. It has been nailed shut and super glued I think."

She paused.

"That doesn't explain this." Rosalie pointed to the mess on Alice "What is it?"

Alice's anger was back.

"Anti-vandal paint"

Well fuck me.

I'm really glad I didn't try that earlier.

Silence. Then…

"Well, erm...her father is the Chief of Police." Emmett's mouth was suspiciously twitching at the corners "Safety first, crime prevention an' all that."

Rosalie wasn't even trying to keep a straight face.

"Bullshit! This is Forks for fucks sake. Chief Swan, probably keeps a spare key above the front door"

Really! I filed that away for future perusal.

"That girl knows shit. In fact right now she not only knows shit but is managing to outsmart a mind reader and a physic." Rose laughed looking at Alice.

Alice was so mad I think steam would be coming out of her ears if they weren't full of that greasy shit.

"I'm glad you think this is funny!" she spat "I'm glad you think she is so great. Look at me!"

Ugh! I hate it when she screeches like that. She sounds like a fuckin' banshee.

"Come on Ali. It's not really her fault that you tried your hand at breaking and entering and got…" She cut me off

"Jaspeeeer! Why are you defending her? If she knew I was going to do that don't you think it was mean of her?"

Not really. Considering some of the stunts she has pulled in the few short hours she has been here, I wouldn't put anything past her. I mean, I feel bad for Alice, kind of, but I'm _really _happy it wasn't me.

"Oh…for fucks sake stop whining! You got busted so take your lumps"

That's our Rose. Tactful to the extreme.

Emmett who had been mostly quiet through all this had wandered over to Alice and was now dipping his finger into the gloop that was congealing on Alice's neck.

"I wonder where you buy this from?" he mumbled with a thoughtful look.

"Well you could always get Alice to ask Bella." Rose giggled

"Emmett!" he waggled his eyebrows at Rose.

"What do you think you're…don't you fuckin' dare!" she squealed as she ran into the woods, Emmett swiftly following with a handful of the stuff he had scraped from Ali's hair.

"Great! Glad someone is having a good time at my expense" Alice moaned.

"Go take a shower, it'll make you feel better" I told her in what I hope was a comforting tone.

I was not really in the mood to comfort her. It was her own fault for trying to move things so they could happen her way.

Sometimes it's nice to have a few surprises in life, to not always know what's coming next.

Strange that it hasn't really bothered me up until to now. For the past 50 years or so nothing has really happened that Alice hadn't already told me was going to happen or that she hasn't made happen.

Stranger still is that I hadn't realised this until Bella entered the picture.

Lust was coming from Alice.

"Baby, do you want to join me?" she purred seductively.

"You could wash my back."

I took a good hard look at my wife. It was not an attractive sight.

She was a mess from tip to toes to the top of her head; the cause being from trying to invade someone's privacy. Bella's privacy…just so she could try to rearrange a future that she had seen and which suited her.

She was disregarding the obvious. There was a different Bella involved.

Short of receiving an electric shock, I didn't think I could get my dick up for her even if I tried. And I didn't particularly feel inclined to make an attempt.

"That's ok Ali. You go an' get cleaned up. I'm going to go for a quick hunt."

I felt her disappointment but she didn't try to push it, which was a first. Sex came only second to shopping as a way of cheering herself up. Actually, talking through what the problem was as much an anathema to Alice as subtlety was to Rosalie.

I blew her a kiss, not wanting to get any of that sticky shit on me, and ran into the woods taking care to go in the opposite direction to Rose and Em. I really didn't want to come across them during their 'alone' time.

As I ran I let my mind wander.

Bella.

Edward has ran away to Alaska to hide from her…and to try to control both the blood lust and erection problem that he has around her.

Rosalie is convinced she is hiding something but mostly likes her and actually has respect for her.

Alice is turning into a nutcase because of her and seems determined to bring back the future that her visions had shown of her.

Emmett just thinks she is amazing and wants her for a little sister so they can team up for pranks and shit. He doesn't really care how it happens.

Carlisle and Esme don't know her yet but I know that they care and, because of Alice's visions, already half see her as a daughter.

And me?

How do I feel about her?

That is the fuckin' question isn't it. Right now I have no idea, but what I do know is that life is gonna be interesting around here.

And full of surprises.

**A/N**

Ok. Now we are officially at the end of Bella's first day…it only took 5 fuckin' chapters *snorts*

Time to get the story moving a little quicker now…Reviews won't get chapters up any quicker because I won't hold readers to ransom but, they do make me feel all warm and snugly and with all the stupid snow the UK has been hit with, I need all the warm fuzzies I can get *kisses*


	6. Chapter 6

Hearts & Flowers to 'moore8879' who took this disaster of a chapter and made it eligible…she abso-fuckin'-lutely rocks!

And **SM** still owns it all…So maybe she can afford to pay Bella's bail when she needs it?

**Chapter 6**

**Bella's POV**

That alarm is so going out of the window if it doesn't shut THE FUCK UP!

With on eye open, I realized three things simultaneously.

One. The clock has an off button. Bliss.

Two: It is Monday and I have school. So I have to get up. Meh!

And Three: I can't actually throw the clock out of the window; since I nailed and glued the fucker shut.

Okay, now I'm awake.

Time to start my second week at FFHS; I can only hope it is as much fun as the first one was.

Something's wrong!

The light in the room is…different. I staggered to the window and looked out.

"What the fuck?"

Okay.

Now you're talking to yourself, that can't be good but seriously…What the fuck?

Snow, Snow and more fucking snow…and I bet that comes with a slice of ice.

I may not be the klutz I once was, but that doesn't mean I _like _slipping and sliding around on cold, wet shit.

Hmm... I wonder?

I pressed my nose to the glass and noticed the mess on the window frame is hardly noticeable. Cool. It's unlikely that Charlie would come in here and try to open or look out of the window, but it's best to check.

I have a huge smile on my face, when I think back about it.

_(Flashback)_

_As I parked my truck, I glanced at the house and vaguely thought that it was looking kind of shabby and could do with a coat of paint._

_Ooh! that reminds me. _

_I walked around to the side of the house that my bedroom was on and looked up. The light was a little dim. I needed to move closer._

_The tree. _

_I climbed up high enough to be at a level with my window. _

_I couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud; when I saw the mess on and around my window frame. There were smears that trailed across and down to the ground._

_Score! _

_One for the Swan; Vapours for the vamps._

_Jesus, they must have been covered in the crap; they certainly did a good job at spreading it around. Well whoever it was deserves it for being a nosey peeping fuckin' tom. _

_Speaking of which, you get quite a good view of my room from this position._

_Scowling, I briefly considered chopping it down, but I figured that even clueless, unobservant Charlie would notice if a big-arsed tree from his yard had suddenly disappeared._

_Hmm... That's a problem for another day._

_(End of flashback)_

Still sniggering to myself, I staggered to the shower.

It really is a pain in the ass having to share a shower and not have one of my own. I mean Charlie was nice about it, apologising and clearing space for me, but it still is a pretty basic bathroom.

My mind drifted to the previous week whilst I showered.

I felt bad about the three ring circus that I had put Charlie through this past week; but it was necessary, and I couldn't deny that it wasn't fun.

So far it looks like it's all going according to plan.

There have been a few spanners in the works, which were unexpected and kind of spoiled my fun a little. The main one being Edward Cullen disappearing of the face of the planet.

Still, Forks seems to have an abundance of imbeciles' to play with and opportunities abound to cause hassle; so it's not been a complete waste of time or particularly hard work.

The Cullen's have stayed out of my way, which was perfect but I know full well that very little has escaped their attention this past week where I was concerned.

The main point is that Charlie is at his wits end.

My rep' is off the fuckin' chart for Forks and the verdict is split: half the town think I need to be locked up for juvenile delinquency and the other half blame Charlie for letting my flighty mother take me away.

Charlie needs help and I don't believe it will take much longer before he calls it in.

With that happy thought I decided on what to wear.

It's going be cold out there.

So…black skinny jeans and tight sweater?

Yes.

Perfect.

It will go perfect with my shit-kicker biker boots.

"Wha..." Who or what the fuck is banging on the door?

"What in God's name do you think you are fuc…?" I hollered as I ran down the stairs.

I flung open the door and I almost fell over at the sight standing before me.

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" I whisper shout as I dragged his ass through the door.

Okay, to be fair he let me drag him in.

"Get your goddamn sparkly ass in here now, before some nosy neighbor notices your disco-ball butt".

I slammed the door. I then turned and threw myself into his arms for a hug

"Oh God! I've missed you"

"Me too princess, me too" he said as he returned the hug. "Princess?"

I let go of him reluctantly and stepped back so I could look up at his face.

"What are you doing here? Is…" I was cut off.

"We need to talk. You have been doing great but there is a little change of plans and I don't have much time. I need you to listen to me very carefully okay? You will need to do exactly as I say..."

_(30 minutes later)_

The drive to school was marginally more interesting due to the snow.

My truck handled fine. Thanks to the snow chains Charlie put on. He must've gotten up at silly o'clock to put them on, which enables me to not only drive just dandy but also to Slush-spray Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones felt it was his moral and civic duty; to inform Charlie when he spotted me spray-painting his neighbours "For Sale" sign which, for 6 fabulous hours, instead of reading "For Sale by Owners for a Quick Sale", read "For Sale by Owners because my neighbour is an Ass-Hole".

Turnabout is fair play, but paybacks a bitch.

Of course, after that it didn't exactly require a genius to figure out who had graffiti all the "STOP" signs to now read "STOP" "Hammer Time".

Charlie made me clean them all.

I know I am just trying to distract myself from what I'm going to have to do shortly; but surely I can be forgiven for that. I mean, I have balls that are pure fuckin' brass and I am going to need every inch of 'em in the coming minutes.

_(Flashback)_

_(30 minutes earlier)_

_He'd been talking now for two whole minutes. I had been steadily losing it for about one minute and thirty seconds. _

_He fuckin' well knew this._

_"C'mon princess" he said giving me puppy dog eyes _

_Are you shitting me or what _'brother'?_ No one said anything about putting me in mortal danger. Don't think for a minute that I've forgiven you yet, for your little omission about Edward - _I 'vant' to suck your blood_ – Cullen" I ranted._

"_Trust me princess. Just pull into your usual parking spot and do what I just said to you and you will be fine, better than fine. Anyways, you want' to live forever?" he asked wryly. _

"_What part of "running with vamps" for the last three years would you not consider as being in mortal danger?" he finished wearing a shit eating grin._

_"I'm gonna grass your ass up and it's gonna get whipped" I swore knowing my sister would do it if I asked her to._

_"She only wants what's best for you Baby Bell. You're her favourite little sister." he wasn't even trying hard to persuade me. _

_He knew full fuckin' well that I trust him and I would do what he fuckin' said. _

_"One day I'm gonna be able to kick your ass myself brother."_

_"Yeah, but not today princess, not today."_

_(End of flashback)_

We talked a little longer before both he and I had to leave.

He refused to explain any further about what was going to happen or why he was here in Forks.

I pulled into the parking lot and huffed.

My nerves are almost getting the better of me.

Almost.

This had better fuckin' work.

Let's just hope I don't get my derrière dusted while it played out.

I mentally chanted you will not die; you will not die, and vowed if I did I was going to come back and haunt some sparkly asses.

I climbed out of my truck and glanced around.

I noticed that there were _three _Cullen's and two Hale's that were climbing out of their car. It looks like Eddie is back from the great beyond, but I only saw them briefly, because into my direct line of sight walked Mike Newton.

He was slowly approaching me and he was sporting a mischievous smile.

He was also holding a massive slush ball.

"If that comes within five fuckin' feet of me I will whang your wiener so fuckin' hard, you'll spit out your dick and snort out your balls".

He promptly turned the same colour as the slush ball, and then faded to a fantastic shade of green, before he turned tail and practically ran towards the main building.

In his haste he failed to notice the slick patch of ice that had formed which caused the subsequent slip, slide and splat. It was made even more spectacular when he took an unsuspecting Lauren down with him. She somehow managed to land flat out with her face in a winded Mike's crotch.

Huh! Death on the Steamin' Semen highway...that's some fuckin' epitaph!

I unfortunately had limited time to enjoy the show. I made my way to the back of my truck.

I had just bent down to admire my snow chains with my heart pounding in my chest when I heard it…a loud, metallic screeching sound that was getting painfully louder by the second.

As I straightened up and swung my head towards the sound, my brain registered, but couldn't really understand what I was seeing:

Edward's face held a look of horror.

Emmett, Rose and Jasper's were ones of shock.

Alice's face wore a strange combination of happiness and triumph.

My head continued its seemingly slow-motion turn and just as it occurred to me that something was wrong with this tableau, my vision was filled with the blue siding of a sliding van.

The van was careening straight for the back of my truck and unfortunately I just happened to be standing between it and its destination.

On purpose and I am not even 100% sure why!

"Fu..." I was suddenly hit from the side by what felt like a boulder, smacking me down onto the blacktop where my head cracked on it with a resounding thud.

I could feel the icy floor underneath me and icy arms above and around me, pinning me down.

And the fuckin' van just kept on comin'

I was suddenly lifted and whipped around so I was no longer directly on the ground and my legs were no longer splayed out in the path of the vans wheels.

I heard the crunching of metal and the breaking of glass but I couldn't actually see anything as I was…snuggled…being firmly held…to a broad chest that my face was squashed into.

"Bella? Are you ok darlin'?"

**A/N**

Like it, Love it, Loathe it…send your reviews because I want to know.

Ok, I know it was short but it's better than nothing right? Course it is…and if you moan, Bella might come and kick some fuckin' derriere's *grins*


	7. Chapter 7

Here it is…a chapter earlier than normal. For those who review, you will know why I've worked my fuckin' ass off to get it out to you. For those who don't *sticks tongue out*, read the A/N at the end.

As always, hearts & hugs to my Beautiful Beta 'moore8879' who rights my numerous wrongs and never tells me to 'shut the fuck up' when I ramble…especially in the middle of the week. Show her your appreciation for working extra to get you this chapter legible by going and reading her own fuck-awesome-fics *winks*

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Jack shit…whoever he is!

**Chapter 7**

_(Previously)_

_Bella? Are you ok darlin'?"_

**Bella POV**

I don't know that voice.

I turned my head and looked into the warm, topaz eyes of Jasper Hale. His golden locks were in disarray with his fringe flopping down into his eyes. I was distracted by his lips. They looked so rosy, so firm, and so kissable. The bottom one slightly fuller than the top, and they were moving…

I realised he was talking and I was staring and I hadn't heard a word he'd said.

Actually, I felt like my brains had liquefied and had dribbled out my ears and it had nothing to do with the near death experience or the bump to the head.

I felt the warmth start on my cheeks and then spread down to my neck.

Fuck. I haven't blushed like this in about two years.

I thought I saw Jasper's eyes darken as they took in my color.

His face became feral and predatory. Like a lion just before he pounced on the lamb.

Instead of fear, I felt calm, safe, as I got lost in his gaze. I also felt my panties begin to dampen.

"Huh?" was my brilliant response.

Jasper's nostril flared and I knew he got a whiff of my arousal. I watched carefully as his eyes positively shone and his lips parted in appreciation.

He took a deep breath and that seemed to calm him enough to bring himself back into control.

Then he smiled.

I was dazzled.

"I asked if you were alright. You banged your head pretty hard there darlin'."

Now that he mentioned it, I realised that my head did actually hurt like a fuckin' bitch, but Ohhh...That drawl! That accent! That "darlin'…"

The van could have actually sat on my legs and I would have never noticed it.

"I'm, err fine" I stammered. Arg! Get your fuckin' act together Swan, you sound like a twat.

"At least I'm better than I would've been if it hadn't been for you". I tried to make my voice sound husky and sexy.

I must have succeeded well enough judging by the look I was rewarded with.

I was aware that we were still sitting on the parking lot floor. I then realised that perhaps we ought to get up…but it felt so right sitting in Jasper's lap and I was reluctant for it to end.

The rest of the school however, felt differently. I only now heard the crying and shouting as faces appeared, peering over and around the van and surrounding cars.

"Oh God! Bella. Jasper. Don't move. Help is coming" called out various voices.

Fuckin'bitchin'interferin'shittybuggerfreakin'arse-holes.

I tried to get up but Jasper just held me tighter.

"We may as well wait because their gonna send help whether we want it or not" he said laconically.

Fair enough. There are worse places to be and if Jasper insists…

Hmm! Maybe a chance for a little teasing?

"So, you got over here pretty quickly. You were way over there by your car with your family".

"No I wasn't. I was walking over here when Tyler's van started to skid…"

Oh. It must have been Tyler Crowley's van that almost made mince-meat of me. Jerk.

"…I saw it heading close to you so I moved closer and was lucky enough to be able to pull you clear" he finished a little nervously.

I could hear Tyler responding to the people helping him so he was obviously not to badly hurt. Now if they could just hold off "rescuing" us for a while, that would be just peachy…

I really was incredibly comfortable in Jasper's lap. He must be at least 6ft 2" because my 5ft 3" frame fit into his perfectly. Like I had been designed specifically with him in mind…and him me.

Flirting and teasing with him was merely a pleasant bonus.

"Yeah, but I thought it slid around and was about to crush my legs?" I asked him wide-eyed.

"No. Not at all! I err, you, had your face turned away. The van hit the corner of your truck and that's what stopped it. Plus you hit your head, erm pretty hard…it must have been confusing to you." he trailed off but kept eye contact.

"My head doesn't feel to bad considering, but I guess I must have it a little wrong because you would have to be like…super-fuckin'-man or something to have got to me so quickly from _way_ over there and then to have stopped the van with your _bare hands_…well, I guess that's not humanly possible". Oh I sound sooooo fuckin' innocent I amaze myself.

He was saved from responding to that as the vehicles were moved and our 'rescuers' arrived…paramedics, students and Jasper's stunned family. Well, everyone but Alice looked stunned. She looked part annoyed and part like she wanted to cry and I doubt it was over the concern for the health of her family member.

Well sometimes the even best laid plans end up arse-about-face. With the look she had when it was all going to hell in a hand basket, I don't know what she thought was gonna happen but I'm betting that it didn't end with me sitting in Jasper's lap.

Deal and get over it puny-pire!

Tyler had already been carted off to the hospital by the time it was established that, Jasper and I were neither dying nor dead but, for some unknown reason, I needed to be ensconced in a neck brace and strapped to a stretcher. Obviously lil' ole girly me was incapable of helping myself as apposed to heap big strong man…grunt me a tune much!

Yeah, I know the van would have sustained more damage than Jasper if it had actually hit him, but they didn't know that and it just pisses me right the fuck off.

I saw Rosalie and Emmett on the edge of a group of gawkers. Rosalie looked pissed; standing stiff with her arms crossed and tapping her toe; hard…I think the fucker was gonna fly off! Emmett seemed to be trying to calm her down…albeit oddly… by patting her butt whilst looking knowingly at Jasper…these guys need a fuckin' dictionary to define "low-profile"

"Jasper?" The paramedic turned to him "You seem fine but do you want to come and let you father check you out as well? You can ride up front"

Edward and Alice were nearer to us with their heads close together, whispering and glancing over. Edward was looking at Alice in confusion, Alice returning the looks with exasperation and finally both of them looking at the paramedic with annoyance. I guess they all want to have a talk with Jasper then.

I really, _really_ couldn't help myself.

I held the back of my hand to my forehead and let out a little whimper, hopefully looking all woeful and pathetic.

I'm good…but Marlene Dietrich I'm not.

Everyone turned to me.

Don't blush. Don't blush. Don't you fuckin' dare blush?

"Would it be alright if I rode in the back with Bella? I think it would make her feel a little more comfortable to have a familiar face if she's hurting".

I guess being a little helpless on occasion does have its benefits. If his family's reactions were bothering him; he didn't show it and he didn't seem particularly eager to talk to them.

Can't think why, I mentally sniggered.

"Sure. No problem Jasper. C'mon lets get you guys to your father." he said starting to load me in.

Jasper followed him and as he sat down his eyes met mine. The smirk he had and the shine in his eyes let me know he wasn't buying my little "helpless" act at all.

Stupid, fuckin' empathic vampires.

And then I blushed.

We didn't talk on the five minute journey to the hospital, partly because Mark the medic wouldn't stop fussing over me like I was "delicate" and partly because I, for once, had no idea what to say after being busted on my performance.

It didn't stop us from glancing at each other; or Jasper's mirth at my annoyed state over Mark's attentiveness that was my own fuckin' fault.

We arrived.

Jasper left to find his father under his own steam, while I got shoved into a curtained cubicle and was left alone.

Within minutes Charlie arrived in a flurry of panic, worry and some serious apprehension. He calmed considerably once he realised that 1. I was okay and 2. It wasn't my "behavior" that had been the cause of the accident.

I guess I kinda deserved the second, but at least he had his priorities straight.

Re-assured, he left me to go check on how Tyler was doing and, if he was okay…to "tell" him exactly what he thought about his only daughter nearly being "graffiti" herself all over the parking lot.

"Knock, knock." came a calm voice as the curtain was swept aside and another gorgeous blonde walked in wearing a lab coat.

Sheesh! Between Jasper, Rosalie and Dr. Cullen I am so glad I'm secure in myself…and that I'm a brunette.

"I hear you have had quite a morning". His smile was comforting and professional enough, but there was curiosity and a hint of…wistfulness? Too.

"I'm fine Doc, a bump to the head that's all. I've had worse".

I had been extremely intrigued about Carlisle Cullen, patriarch of the family, when I first heard about him. I couldn't reconcile the good vampire I knew of through his history, with the man who would unquestionably follow bad decisions from certain members of his family. I was still none the wiser, even after watching him closely whilst he gave me a mini-medical and pronounced me fit as a fiddle, barring the bump.

Charlie appeared again, this time with Jasper in tow. Jasper looked rather embarrassed and my suspicions to why were confirmed when Charlie started gushing about "Jasper saving me" and "must be so proud" to the Doc…just fuckin' shoot me now.

"I'm good to go dad!" I quickly interrupted, not really wanting to leave Jasper, but _really _wanting to put a gag in Charlie.

Charlie turned in time to catch me give Jasper an apologetic grin and this made him tense up. Indecision was written all over his face as several thoughts seem to pop in and out. Finally, he seem to come to a decision about something because resolve sat solidly there now.

"Bella, could you just give me a moment please? Go on out and wait by the car for me, I shan't be long" he then turned to Doc "Do you have a minute Carlisle? A quick word in private?"

I thanked the Doc and happily started to leave the fuckin' ER.

Yep. I've just been diss-fuckin'-missed like I as 10 years old, but strangely enough I didn't mind. In fact I am positively brimming with inner happiness.

I was hype-aware that Jasper had followed me, but he said nothing until we were out of ear-shot of our dads.

Well at least Charlie's.

"What's got you suddenly so happy there, Miss Swan?"

"Just glad to be alive you know, Mr Hale" I lied.

We walked through the throng of students that had congregated in the waiting room. Maybe it was the combination of Jasper-gorgeous, broody, mysterious-Hale and Bella-don't fuck with me-Swan; they parted before us saying nothing despite their obvious curiosity. Jasper placed his hand on my lower back to guide me though to the main entrance.

Did I need it? No. Did I mind? Hell no.

"So the prognosis was good then? No possible relapse of "overactin'itis" in your future?"

"Nobody likes a smart-arse! Though, I can't say that a relapse won't ever happen again; it depends on the situation sometimes" I laughed "Besides, I did you a favour."

"How do you figure that darlin'? I believe I was the one that saved your pretty little ass back there"

He's at it again with the "darlin'"

"True, but I believe giving you an excuse to avoid your family's clutches saved _your _handsome ass right back."

His answering smile sent a strange sensation south of my stomach. I needed to finish this right now before I do something incredibly stupid; like lock lips with him and rip off his shirt!

"Did I actually thank you for saving my life" I asked coyly.

"No" he answered with that same smile.

"Well. Remind me to do that someday"

I walked away leaving Jasper to return to his father while I went and waited for mine.

"You decent Bells, can I come in?" Charlie asked through the closed door.

"Sure."

I was in my sweats, snuggled in bed and felt just fine.

Charlie came in and handed me a cup of steaming coffee.

"Here you go, careful it's hot."

"Mmm... hmm..." was my eloquent reply as I inhaled the brew.

Delicious.

"So, we need to have a talk." here he stumbled a little "I want you to…No! You _are_ going to; spend time with Dr Cullen, his wife Esme and their children."

He paused, waiting expectantly for a response from me.

When none came he continued.

"You definitely know Jasper and I believe you know the others too from school. I think it would do you good to make friends with them, hang out with them after school and not be on your own so much."

"So you want me to be _supervised? _C'mon dad, I'm nearly eighteen for fu…Christ's sake. I'm a big girl now and I don't need to be babysat".

There! That was firm enough.

"It's not about being babysat Bells. I think part of the…_problem_…you've had settling in is you haven't made any friends. The Cullen's are _good_ kids and Carlisle and Esme are _good_ people…"

I disguise my laugh with a cough.

It's The Brady fuckin' Bunch…with fangs! Metaphorically speaking.

"Carlisle has agreed you can go to their house for a few days in the week and on the weekends; I'll put off my fishing so we can spend more time together."

He said the last in a rush and I knew that though he had my best interests at heart, he would miss his fishing.

It really was the only hobby the man had.

Ouch! Bad, bad Bella.

"Aww... dad! Do I have too?" I'm down to pleading.

"Yes Isabella, you do" Ooops. Full name, not good. "Its either this or you're going back to Renee". That was a low blow and he knows it, so I guess he really means it.

"Fine" I huff. "Whatever…I have a headache dad, g'night."

He went to the door with a "Night Bells" before he shut it.

And the Oscar goes to…

**A/N**

My story hit over 200 reviews and I am abso-fuckin'-lutely stoked about it! I have the most fuckfantastic reviewers and I love to hear from everyone of you. And that's why I thanked you all by posting an extra chapter…now you all need to review it & tell me what you think of it. Lol *blows the sloppiest of kisses*

Oh, yeah! It fuckin' snowed…again!


	8. Chapter 8

**INTERLUDE: Christmas at the Cullen's…In poetry (and quite bad poetry at that)**

Ever wondered what our fave family did "The night before Christmas"?

Well, I never quite got around to finishing chapter 8 (please don't throw things at me) as I have been extremely busy…Hello, Duh! Christmas. But! This little piece of fuckery got in my head and just begged to be wrote, so write it I did just for you all…enjoy *blows a kiss*

T'was the night before Christmas

In the Cullen abode,

No human was stirring

In house or on road.

But vamps are not living

So we'll show some cheek,

Let's be voyeuristic

And go take a peek.

Carlisle's in his study

As Esme slinkers in,

The raucous sex that these two have

Should really be a Sin.

She's got a naughty outfit on

With whips, handcuffs and chain,

Carlisle's up an' across the floor

He's 'ready' for some pain.

We need to scarper from this room;

PG it really ain't

Oh dear! Here comes Emmett

With some anti-vandal paint!

He goes into Alice's room;

(Let's follow him and Rose)

Seems she'll be his first victim;

Ha-Ha! He loves to cause her woes.

He fills in all her shoes

Coats her walk-in closet door,

Decides he hasn't used enough

So adds a little more.

He puts it in her varnish

To grease up her little toes,

You know he's got plenty to spare...

It was a gift from his darling Rose.

She watches as he has his fun;

She loves it when he's bad,

Her monkey man is gonna get

The best sex he's ever had.

She pulls him in a position

That in us would give us cramps,

More kinky shit! On Ali's bed!

What is it with these vamps?

Where to next, we need to move

Cos their getting real randy,

Eddie's room is right next door

Now that is real handy.

He's sitting in his room

Listening to - of course – Debussy

His whackers standing tall and proud;

He's being a little pussy.

Carlisle's told him what to do

"Take care of it on his own",

So he whips it out and grabs it

Whilst grunting out a moan.

You know he's never done this before

Over a century of cum built up,

He's more than ready to let it go

As he gives his balls a cup.

It's a good thing that he does this first;

He lets out an almighty roar,

He shoots his load across the room

Which embeds into the door?

He flops back down onto his bed

Rightly proud of a job well done,

Perhaps, maybe now he'll lighten up

And actually have some fun.

Hmm! I think for now we'll leave him be

I wonder where Jasper's at,

I hope he's shirtless and alone

And in a cowboy hat.

He's wearing clothes, mores' the shame

But oh! That southern style

With shirt and jeans and cowboy boots

He sure does make me smile

He's got a book upon his lap;

Not a word of it he's read,

Imagining on Bella swan

Sprawled out across his bed!

The things he wants to do to her

Would really make her blush,

For her naughtiness...across his knee

To spank her firm round tush.

He feels no need to find relief;

(Now that I'd pay to see)

Let's leave him to dream of his 'kick-ass' mate

*Groaning* wishing it were me.

Alice is who we've yet to see;

(We know where she's _not_ at)

Let's move swiftly past two 'noisy' rooms,

An' we'll say no more on that!

She's sitting in the garden

Planning out the day to come,

The festivities are all in hand

Smiling, she starts to hum.

She takes a peek at what the day will hold

Searching the future out of habit

She's got the girls a new car each;

Rosalie's brought her a "rabbit"!

She wonders what Jasper will make of that

Not that it won't be handy!

He's barely touched in a while

And she's feeling rather randy.

She rubs her thighs together

Runs her hands down to her "v",

That's it, you bet, we're outta here

This I really don't want to see!

Let's reconvene in the living room

For the morning is nearly here,

It's time for merriness and passing gifts

Like most do once a year.

First to join us is Eddie boy

The most relaxed he's been in forever,

Rose is next, grin in place

Dragging Em who's feeling clever.

Carlisle and Esme enter then

In normal clothing at last,

Not far behind is little Al

Wow! She was really fast!

Seasons greetings pass back 'n' forth

In quite a normal way,

They ignore the 'doings' of the night

And simply enjoy the day.

I guess privacy is rare for vamps

'specially, for a family such as these,

So perhaps we've peeked enough for awhile;

It was enough to give us a tease.

They really are an interesting bunch

"But its time to go", I call,

I hoped you liked this fuckery

Well...its Christmas after all.

I want to take this time to say

To all who read my fic,

Have a happy holiday

I raise my glass to you *hic*

Points to remember over the silly season:

Don't go out and drink & drive...get pissed at home cos you're closer to your bed and the toilet bowl.

Don't be a 'baa humbug'...there's already enough politicians and other miserable fuckers in the world.

Don't have unsafe sex...that includes sex with vamps, unless it Jasper. (But in cases like Edwards, a condom is kinda redundant)

Don't have sex with someone you just met...Unless it's Jasper.

Don't get food poisoning...if the meats still bleeding give it to the vamps.

Don't eat the Brussels sprouts...they are just nasty and the smell of the subsequent farts will last till New Year.

And finally...

Be careful opening them prezzies...Jasper may be passing by.

NO! That does not mean rip into them with abandon and hope...you might

Not mind but think how guilty Jasper would feel...Bad, Bad horny vamp lovers!

*Winks*

Merry Christmas & a happy New Year guys.

Have an absolute blast! And I'll be seeing you in 2011...Bella said it's gonna be a riot!


	9. Chapter 9

Woohoo *waves hand tentatively* anyone still there?

OK, It's been a hell of a year so far but here is the next chapter as promised…ok, promised about 3 months ago but hey!...new chapter right?

It's un-beta'd so the numerous mistakes are all mine (apologies in advance) and I still do not own jack shit…never have & (possibly) never will ;-)

Anyhoo! I didn't want to put a (_previously) _here so you might wanna re-read the last couple of chapters to see where we're at…but you can ignore the poem that is chapter 7 if you want as that had no bearing on the plot and is nothing more than some silly fuckery that I just couldn't help myself with…Everybody needs a hobby right?

* * *

**Carlisle POV**

What an absolutely interesting day that caps off what has been the most interesting couple of weeks I have had in about 75 years.

I had heard all about one Miss Isabella Swan from my children and it was rather nice to actually meet her in person today, albeit not exactly under the best circumstances. Smart and sassy, she held little in common with the girl Alice had been talking about for the past 30 years and though I could not honestly say that this Bella was not everything I could want in a daughter - perhaps minus the delinquent behaviour - I had my doubts about how she would fit in to our family. I did not share these doubts with Esme as worrying her was the last thing I wanted to do. I did however share with her the conversation I had had with Chief Swan earlier.

Chief Swan, who could handle himself just fine when up against hardened criminal's had suddenly, looked incredibly vulnerable when speaking about, and against, his only daughter.

For all my mental capabilities I was actually unsure what the point of the conversation was at first and what he was actually asking of me. So I asked him if we could speak plainly and when he said we could I asked him outright if he was asking me if Bella could come and live with us. Permanently.

_(Flashback)_

"_No! Of course not it's just…I'm at a loss what to do with a rebellious teenage girl. Her mother's no help. I've spoke to her on the phone and I get the impression she wasn't around much the last few years so I don't think Bells understands what normal family dynamics are like. I can't do it. I don't know how really, been on my own to long I guess..."_

_The despondent look on his face was quite heartbreaking and I realised that the chief loved Bella dearly but was genuinely at the end of his tether._

_And she had not been here that long._

"_I'm just asking if, maybe, Bells could spend sometime with you and your family. You and Esme are good souls taking on those poor kids and you have raised them so well. I confess, I was a little worried when I heard about you all moving here what with five teenagers, but I've never had nary a ounce of bother from your kids, unlike some of these families who've been here for generations"_

_He paused for breath and I knew what he was going to say next was painful for him._

"_My own teen has caused more trouble in less than two weeks than all five of yours have together in two years. She is way to smart for her own good when it comes to answering back and thinking up ways to cause hassle. She's real artistic all right; what that girl can do with a spray can is unbelievable. She says it's her way of expressing herself…"_

_Yes, I had heard about Bella's way of adding some colour to forks._

"…_like she needs to express herself any more. Do you know I have had 3 phone calls home from her math teacher alone?"_

"_Does, erm Bella, does she struggle with maths then...?" Maybe Edward could tutor her "…Children are more likely to…misbehave… if they do not understand" I asked._

"_Bella is very smart at maths, the problem is her mouth and creativity are smarter, When her teacher asked her for her homework, Bella handed in a drawing of two people dancing followed by a drawing of them, err, having sex." The Chief was beetroot._

"_What would the pictures have to do with math?" I was genuinely curious._

"_She captioned the pictures off with "Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire" he stammered without meeting my eyes._

_I really had nothing to say to that!_

"_The last one was using manure to 'paint' a sign. Luckily Giles Brown and I go back a fair ways and he isn't going to press charges or mention it around town" he trailed off and I just had to ask…I mean I knew of her other creative signs around town but, a sign with cow faeces?_

"_What did the sign say?"_

_He looked like for a minute he wasn't going to reply. I could see the corner of his mouth trying to rise but he mastered himself as he said "Déjà Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before!"_

_Seriously! The thought of Bella and Emmett together…_

"_Anyway…" the chief pulled himself together "…I guess all told, that puts you at the top of the Good Father list and me firmly at the bottom"_

_I have never wished so much as I did right now that I could tell a person the truth about me. How does one explain that yes, we are a family but my children are not exactly children. They are actually independent supernatural beings that need no looking after and in fact, Jasper is older than Esme. _

"_Don't be too hard on yourself there Chief…" I gave him a pat on his shoulder "…all kids rebel at some point, it's inevitable. I don't have a problem with Bella coming over and spending time with us. I know Esme will enjoy her company…" understatement of the decade "…and I'm sure the kids will make her feel welcome too"_

_Chief Swan seemed to visibly relax and his whole face shone with relief "Maybe you should call me Charlie and I can't thank you enough for this Dr Cullen…though now I just have to ask Bella!"_

"Tell_ Bella Charlie, _tell_ Bella…and call me Carlisle" _

_(End Flashback) _

So Bella would be spending time with us but not in the way we had originally thought.

It had all originally seemed so perfect. A mate for Edward and finally we would all be paired up and complete. Esme in particular had been excited at the prospect of a daughter that would maybe need her more than her other two ever had. Though she loved them dearly, between Rosalie's tough exterior due to her past and Alice being able to see the future, neither of them _needed_ Esme in a way she so desperately needed to be needed.

All that had now changed and he was smart enough to know that certain things could not be changed back once they had occurred.

One of those irrevocable events was that he new this Bella could never be Edwards mate and therefore, probably, never had been. He secretly agreed with Rosalie that Edward did not have it in him to be dominant enough with someone like Bella in a way that would keep her safe, and as for Bella herself! Well, he would like to be the proverbial fly on the wall if anyone tried to dominate her. Even Rosalie new when to hand the family pants over to Emmett.

It did beg the question though why Alice still saw Bella with them. He new Alice was going crazy trying to figure it out just as he new that she was hiding a lot of her thoughts from Edward who, very rarely being denied access to anyone's inner thoughts, was in turn was going crazy trying to figure out what Alice was hiding and where the sweet and caring girl was that Alice had all but promised him.

Actually, the more he thought about it the more he realised his family was starting to resemble one of those you found on daytime TV with members wearing, throwing chairs at each other and unable to spell 'dysfunctional' let alone having the capabilities to resemble anywhere near 'normal' without regular heavy doses of medication and some serious therapy.

Alice and Edward aside, Jasper was also a concern for him. Usually the most reserved of them all, his actions at school had confused him greatly. Off course he was glad he had saved Bella but to deliberately risk exposing himself, and consequently them all, was behaviour he would never have expected from him unless there was a specific risk to themselves, or in particular Alice. He new things had been somewhat different for the pair of them recently but all of them have periods like that, after all eternally really is a long time to keep the momentum going 100%. As for the others, Rosalie was stalking around the house alternating between wanting to kill the threat she perceived in being convinced that Bella new about them and was deliberately baiting them yet equally wanting to get to know Bella more and having, albeit grudgingly, a respect that Rosalie afforded very few people…and certainly _never_ a human.

Emmett appeared unconcerned with anything other than wanting assurances that Bella would still be apart of their family and that Rosalie did not do anything stupid – like rip Bella's head off before she, and he, had a chance to get to know her properly. Though the most playful and he supposed, human, of all his children, he knew that behind his façade, Emmett was a lot more intuitive and smart than others gave him credit for; which made him especially dangerous, especially to those who underestimated him. The thought though of what he and Bella could get up to if given half the opportunity was enough to make him shudder. He could almost hear the cogs turning already in Emmett's head planning pranks that the two of them could pull off, especially now that he had discovered the delights of Anti-vandal paint!

Anti-vandal paint! I allow myself a small smile at the evil creativity that, that tiny little girl pulled off. Putting it on a window frame and ledge is not unheard of, but again I have to agree with Rosalie that a potential burglar was not the intended victim. Regardless, if Bella knows what we are she has not whispered a word of it I'm sure; we would have known by now, somehow.

Poor Alice! Her clothes were ruined but the biggest problem was her skin. On human skin, scrubbing with soap and water will remove most of it with maybe a little white spirit. But on our skin the paint seems almost like an adhesive and she had to resort to a paint removal spray that is usually used on cars, walls and other solid objects. I confess it stank awful and I know Esme feared the smell was never going to dissipate.

He could hear the telltale sounds of a vampire approaching the house rather quickly and, realising who it was, turned quickly to face the room as he heard the door open and shut as Edward appeared.

He could only stare with a disbelief which was quickly, too quickly, transforming to a desire to laugh out loud in a way which made him almost feel like a young man again.

Edward's once bronze hair was now highlighted with a black streak running down the centre that greatly resembled that of a skunks. His shirt and trousers had been coated very generously with the same black whilst a smudge of it on his chin made him look like a parody of a 1930's B-movie villain. Edward held his black hands up and sighed.

"Window?" I asked thinking Edward would not be that stupid surely.

He shook his head ruefully. "Tree outside her bedroom"

Ah! Clever girl.

"The spray is still in Alice's bathroom I believe"

He nodded his head in thanks and shot up the stairs.

Poor Esme, he thought and managed to wait long enough till he could hear the shower start up in Edward's bathroom…then he gave in and practically keeled over with laughter.

* * *

**A/N**

Like it, Love it, Loathe it…I want to know so R & R. I know it was not the most exciting of chapters but I am all over the next chapter like white on rice and reviews gets my muse masturbating like a rabbit on acid.


	10. Chapter 10

Wow-fuckin'-wee! The last chapter got the highest amount of reviews to date *wipes a tear from my eye* I missed you all so much and you showed me some super sexy lovin' *Blows the now standard big sloppy kiss*

Now, my ever delectable and ever patient Beta '**Moore8879**' has had her hands on this (So offending errors are gone) but I am a sod for fiddling with it when she sends it back (and some offending errors go back in) so anything wrong with it by now is my own fuckin' fault for not leaving well enough alone *crosses eyes*

Anyhoo! **SM** owns it all…except the popcorn which I provided…See you at the bottom and enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 10**

**Bella POV**

"Take me down to the Paradise City where the fangs are sharp and the vamps are pretty, oh won't you please bite on downnnnn yeeeeeeah!"

Now this is what I'm talking about; windows down, cruising along in my truck with the stereo blaring, singing my little 'ol heart out. You don't fully appreciate a sunny day until you are stuck in teeny tiny fucking Wetsville, Northwest in the good old U.S of A.

_Incoming! You've got incoming!_

Shit. I slowed the truck down enough to check my text…and prayed to god that no officers catch me doing it.

**Sparkles to Princess**

_Nice vocals princess. Could you be a little louder, I don't think they heard you in Italy ;-)_

Fucker!

**Princess to Sparkles**

_Where the fuck are you? And are you dissing my singing Pavarotti-pire (not)?_

**Sparkles to Princess**

_I'm around baby girl. I'm gonna be for a while and you call that caterwauling singing?_

**Princess to Sparkles**

_I'm gonna sing and record all your favourite songs then I'm gonna dismember you, put headphones on you and mount you with a post up your ass and use you for a garden ornament _

**Sparkles to Princess**

_*Blows a big raspberry* Get off your phone before you take out a poor innocent tree xox_

I stuck my head out of the window "Jack-ass!"

I am actually quite glad that he's nearby. Yes, I have been looking forward to this day and yes, I have big balls. But I'm not stupid and I don't think willingly walking into a house of vampires; vampires that there is a good chance I'm gonna piss off, qualifies as smart.

I make the turn into the Cullen road and try to visualise what kind of house they live in.

Fuck, this drive is narrow. I'm practically driving on ferns in some parts! I understand not wanting many visitors but hello! A narrow overgrown trail is not how a "driveway" is defined. I wonder if they have an Adams family-esque house to match.

Swinging around the final bend I realise, not.

Wow-fuckin'-wee, now that's what I call living. The house seemed to rise up out of the forest. Three stories high with a gorgeous porch that wrapped around the whole of the first floor, the whole front and what I could see of the sides, was painted a off white.

Dr. Cullen and his wife, I presume, must have heard me coming - not that you need supernatural hearing to hear my beast - as they stood waiting just outside the open doorway.

Well doesn't momma Cullen look pretty as a picture in the mom sort of way that my mother would never dream of looking? Caramel coloured hair hanging just past her shoulders, wearing a white short-sleeved shirt that looked to be embroidered with butterflies around the collar and hem. Tan slacks and low-heeled sandals completed the look.

Renee would be wearing significantly less then I actually am right now. I had compensated for my little bitty denim shorts by teaming it with a cute little white top that had spaghetti straps and an empire waist. It was long enough that none of my midriff was on show and cut low enough that the beginning of my cleavage was working. It's a fine line between slut and sexy but I managed it - mostly.

High ponytail and ballet flats completed my get-up and I looked like I could be selling cookies for the local girl scouts.

Speaking of which, I grab my shoulder bag containing my 'surprise' for the Cullen clan to show my appreciation for taking in my delinquent derriere and showing me the error of my ways.

Yeah right! Last I checked it was Bella two and Vamps zero.

Smothering a snigger at the thought of the mess in my tree - (note to self: must find out who got pasted with the paint on my home

Security surprise) - I slapped my best Miss Congeniality smile on my face and approached Dr. and Mrs. Cullen.

"Isabella. It's good to see you looking better then on our previous acquaintance..."

Yeesh! He looks like a god and speaks like my granddad. Surely he's not nervous?

"...let me introduce you to my wife Esme"

"Hey Dr. Cullen, Mrs. Cullen" I trailed off totally not knowing what to say. Okay awkward. Do I say "thanks for having me?"

I suppose throwing myself at their feet and ask "Do you vant to suck my blood?" in my best Christopher Price voice might break the ice a little...it

would be funny as hell, but it wouldn't really make it less awkward!

"Isabella, welcome to our home and please call me, Esme"

"The same here, Isabella" said Dr. Cullen.

What!

"Call me, Carlisle." he said with a smile, obviously noting the look on my face.

Ah! Not always the quickest brick on the block am I.

"Okay, but I prefer Bella"

We all smiled at each other like idiots...at least the awkwardness had lessoned.

"Well then, come on in Bella and meet the rest of the family. I know they are all excited about you being here." Esme said as she moved to the door beckoning me to follow.

Excited? I'm sure that's not entirely accurate but a lot of planning had gone into getting me to this point so..."lead the way", and I followed Esme into the house.

It was easy to ignore the various Cullen's scattered around, though I quickly noted that Jasper was absent, as my whole attention was taken with the interior of the house. I really don't know what I expected but the 'comfy contemporary' decor surprised me. It looked like pretty much of the whole downstairs had been opened by removing many of the interior walls. The whole colour scheme ranged from brilliant white to pale green with a wonderful array of browns and beiges that shouldn't have worked, but strangely did.

Carlisle cut short my ogling by starting the introductions...not that I needed them but hey! It's all about timing.

"Bella, this is Emmett." he said as he indicated to the behemoth of a man whose casual leaning on the banister made it seem like it wanted to give up the fight and just crumble.

"What's up, Smella" he said with a shit eating grin.

"Emmett!" cried Esme looking mortified.

"Lost your sense of direction there, Flemmett" I snickered right back at him "that would be that-a-way" I continued pointing up and turning to the pixie that stood on the bottom stair. "Your Alison right?" I decided to take control here as the formal shit was getting tiresome "you're a junior too, like me?"

"Err, Its Alice. Hi Bella" she started to move towards me like she was gonna hug me or some shit. Yeah, I don't think so and took a step back and to the side turning to Edward, not missing the quick glance Carlisle and Esme shared.

"Hello Bella, I'm Edward. It's a pleasure to meet you "his half smile bellied the strain showing around his eyes and the bulge beginning to burgeon in his pants. He took a step to place himself behind the, conveniently, waist high sofa.

Heehee, I'm sure it is! "You too, Edward"...moving on...

"I'm Rosalie" The statuesque blonde stalked towards me with her hand out, almost daring me to move away. I took a step forward and met her head on, clasping her hand in mine.

"I know."

She arched a perfectly sculptured eyebrow at that, withdrawing her hand and giving me an arrogant smile that showcased her perfect set of pearly whites "of course you do".

"And you know who I am too, don't you Bella" Jasper smirked at me as he suddenly appeared in the doorway to, I presume, the kitchen.

Oh you bet my sweet little ass I know who he is. "Out of control vans, life flashing before my eyes...yeah! You seem vaguely familiar" I chuckled trying desperately not to come across as flirty.

I don't think I succeeded as Alice went to Jasper and took his hand in hers.

Make the most of it girlfriend.

"Well now, you've met everyone" Esme said smiling "Would you like some lunch Bella? We have already eaten but I could make you a sandwich if you like"

"Oh no thanks, I ate before I came but that reminds me..." I reached into my bag and pulled out the Tupperware tub "Charlie thought it would be a nice gesture to show my appreciation to you, giving up your time an' all to let me hang, you know…" a load of bullshit but it takes the blame away from me and guilt's them into giving in "so I made some monster sized cookies" I proclaimed with a flourish pulling of the lid."Who's first?" I asked sweetly taking in their uncomfortable expressions.

"Oh, well, we have just eaten so maybe, later perhaps" Esme answered for them all.

Now we can't have that now can we...spoil my fun? I don't think so.

"Oh" I said dejectedly "I thought, well I thought they would go down well as a dessert and...and, I just wanted to make a good impression on you all and...ok. Never mind" I sighed putting the lid back on.

"Well, erm" Carlisle cleared his throat "Do you know what, I think a cookie would go down err, nicely. I would very much like one please Bella"

I beamed at him "Oatmeal?"

"Lovely" he grimaced slightly taking the proffered cookie.

"Yeah, I'll have one of those too Bella" I pulled one out and gave it to Emmett. Then looked expectantly at Rosalie.

"Dieting" she sang perkily

"Low fat" I sang back, matching the perkiness...and passing her one.

"Hey Bella, I'm not really and oat mealy type of girl, more a chocolate chip type of girl" Alice said with a smile.

"I got you covered Alice" as I pulled out a chocolate chip cookie.

"You're too thoughtful" she hesitated...but she took it.

"It's a failing of mine" I bit the inside of my cheek and turned to Jasper.

"How many flavours you got in there darlin'?" he tried to peek into the tub.

"Oh, lots"...down nipples, down. If they get any harder they're gonna cut my bra.

"Surprise me then" and I just caught his quick eye slide to my chest and back.

You bet your ass I could, and then some. But, I passed him the smallest one I had.

"Edward?" five bucks to me he's too polite to even try to refuse.

"Thank you Bella. It's very kind of you to bake these for our family."

It's more than my pleasure. I passed him the biggest one I had. "Sticky toffee for you, I think"

I stood back and watched as the Cullen's ate every bite of my, if I say so myself, excellent cookies.

I take my fun where I can get it.

To be fair to the Cullen's, they new how to entertain and to entertain well. I suppose when you have time to kill twenty four seven, fifty two weeks, decade after decade you learn to kill time or go crazy.

Edward serenaded us off and on with the piano. He really did play beautifully and his rendition of Clair du Lune almost moved me to tears. Emmett creamed me on the PS3 and Jasper hammered my ass at chess. Alice proved how clueless I was with her formidable knowledge of fashion and designers - and I thought I was pretty clued in - whilst Rosalie showed I really was a baby when it came to the art of snarkiness and sassiness. I abso-fuckin'-lutely love that bitch!

Carlisle and Esme were the epitome of attentive parenting and I found myself warming to them despite my initial weariness of them. They really did show me what I had missed growing up with Renee, but then I reasoned they were the exception, rather than the rule giving their "supernatural" status and human families were just not that perfect. Or maybe I'm just cynical? Me? Naw!

And they were good at playing human. Very good, and I'm sure if I hadn't known what they were and therefore looking for it, I would never notice the little...slip-ups.

As the afternoon progressed and we all got more and more comfortable with each other's presence, the charade started to slip just a little. Alice put a make-over show on the TV which she was avidly watching and listening too as she would make comments to Rose about it, except the volume was so low I couldn't hear it. Carlisle moved just a little too fast as he prevented me from face-planting on the rug when Emmett high-fived me a little too hard and knocked me off my feet. Edward answered once to often when nobody had actually spoken.

And then there was "THE GLANCES"

Jasper didn't seem to be able to not keep sending glances my way – not that I minded - as did Edward – who I did kinda mind. Esme would glance at Rose when she made a snarky comment. Carlisle would glance at Esme when she fussed too much around me. Everyone glanced at Emmett when he got to 'rough'. Everyone glanced at Carlisle when I asked questions about the family. Alice glanced at Jasper when his gaze lingered on me a little too long. Jasper glanced at Edward when he did the same. Edward would glance at Alice when she zoned out scrunching her face up like she was constipated.

I was going to go cross-eyed at this rate but it was funny as fuck.

I figured something was gonna give soon and that some-one would snap. My money was on Alice, Edward or Jasper; Carlisle, Esme and Emmett seemed too laid back and Rosalie was out of the running as she seemed to find it all as funny as I did for the most part.

Edward's hands suddenly slipped on the piano with a miss-key 'THUNK'. "Jasper please, enough already with the visuals!" Edward glared at Jasper.

Jasper glared right on back, and a lot more impressively. "What?" I heard him say and then his lips moved minutely and I new he was speaking to low for me to hear.

Edward obviously didn't like what he was hearing as he continued to glare and 'speak' back. Neither did Alice as she joined in the glare fest, staring at Jasper angrily.

"Bells, you up for a 'Call of Duty' marathon?" asked Emmett trying to distract me and diffuse the tension that had suddenly materialised in the room.

Jasper seemed prepared to let it go as he suddenly gave a lazy grin and leaned back languidly in the chair, looking for all purposes like he posing

for the front cover of a romance novel.

Judging by the way my lower regions tightened and heated, I think he definitely had a future in that line of work if he wanted. Oops. I finally lost the control I had been exerting all day around Jasper. Not helping the tension levels at all as, almost as one, they all gave a little sniff and turned to me.

Jasper and Emmett smirked. Carlisle and Esme looked worried. Rosalie looked amused. Edward pained and Alice angry.

I sat back, crossed my legs and picked up my popcorn popping a piece into my mouth.

"Alice." warned Carlisle turning from me.

"What Carlisle! She should know he's my husband."

True, but I haven't done or said anything inappropriate towards Jasper. So how are you going to explain that comment puerile-pire?

Should I help her out or make matters worse. Better, worse? Better, worse? Decisions, decisions.

"What are you talking about and aren't you a little too young to be married? I mean you're only seventeen and still in high school. Is it even legal?" Nope, not feeling like benevolent Bella today.

"I can smell your reaction to him. We all can." she blurted out unthinkingly, too wrapped up in her jealousy to control what she said.

The others looked at her horror-struck.

"Well that's a little...weird" I raised my eyebrows

"But you don't look embarrassed or surprised about it though." Rose said with a speculative look.

Oh hell no! I have had way too many 'incidents' like this, and worse, so that I'm practically inoculated against worrying about bodily odours...of all varieties. My mind wandered to a particular incident with a family friend, Garrett, and I felt more liquid pool between my legs.

"Oh God!" Edward practically wailed and lowered his head into his hands. To be fair, none of the men looked to be doing so well right now and this time I couldn't stop the embarrassment, or subsequent blush, from showing.

Esme tried to bring the conversation back to something resembling normal. "Well, Carlisle and I gave permission for the marriage so it is all legal and above board." she indicated that Alice should follow her into the kitchen. Alice stood fast and Esme conceded.

Give it up already, that ship has sooo sailed. And this is fun.

"Do you know how weirdly you guys are acting?" I asked the room in general.

"Do you know how weirdly you are _not_ acting right now? All things considered" Rosalie snapped right back.

"I am remarkably good with weird."

"Yeah, why is that?"

"You tell me." We were getting there, but I wasn't going to help them any.

"Oh I don't think so little girl." she snarled "We don't owe you anything."

I could beg to differ but, "Ditto."

"Girls!" Carlisle interrupted sternly "Bella, I apologise for Rosalie and Alice's behaviour. Your right. We are behaving...oddly, and for that I apologise for us all. Perhaps we should call it a day?" and I was pleased to see he looked upset about that.

"Aw... c'mon guys" Emmett also looked unhappy. Carlisle why can't we..." he shrugged his shoulders at him.

"There are rules Emmett. You know this." Carlisle said sternly.

"But Alice has said...maybe she could guess" Emmett said, determined it seemed not to be deterred.

"Yeah, Bella." Rose interrupted sarcastically "Why don't you guess? I for one would like to know if I was correct in my assumptions."

"Don't you know how dangerous it can be to _assume_ anything Rosalie?" Point for me.

"Don't you know how dangerous it can be to _presume_ you have a choice in this?" Okay, point for her.

"Don't you threaten her Rose?" Jasper defended me. Point for him.

"Don't you defend her Jasper?" Minus a fucking point for Alice.

"Don't you gripe at him for your visions being fucked up?" Big point for Emmett.

I popped some more popcorn in my mouth.

"Don't you use that language in my house Emmett McCarty" Yeah, Esme can have a point for being a mom.

"Don't berate him for calling Alice out" ooh, that's tough. Half a point for Rosalie for defending her man.

"Don't talk to Esme like that!" I should give a point to Edward for supporting his 'mom'.

"Don't you interfere just because you can't keep it down when Bella's around" heehee, Jasper can have 2 points for that.

"Don't think you're any better just because you seem to have more control." I gotta give Alice a point back for that.

I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

"Don't you think this would not have happened if Edward had stayed outta his head?" Emmett just keeps racking the points up.

"Don't you think you have all said enough?" Aw shit, Carlisle! No points for you.

Once again they all looked at me. I swallowed the popcorn I was still chewing.

"Don't mind me, I'm just visiting" I said into the silence.

It was Emmett who broke the sudden silence "Talk to us Bella. Whatchya thinking?"

"I'm thinking you guys provide the best entertainment in Forks and that Esme makes the best popcorn in the world."

"He meant about what we said." Jasper said softly.

"How many guesses can I have then?"

"Three!" Emmett said excitedly.

"And what do I win if I guess correctly?" No way was I gonna pass this up.

"Err, what do you want?" He asked a little more wearily this time

"I wanna have a drive of the fabulous 4 by 4 you came to school in last week…"

"What! No way could a lil'bit like you handle my baby"

"…and you have to sit in the back."

Now he looked a little green.

"But hey! if you don't wanna play..." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"Fine." he actually pouted "Go ahead and guess. but if we have to tell you, what do I get?"

"What do you want" My confidence seemed to throw him a little

"Oooh let me think. I know! You have to let me pimp your ride" he laughed evilly

Fuck me. The thought of what Emmett would likely do to my truck gave me the collywobbles, however...

"You're on."

"Knock yourself out." he sat back and folded his arms across his chest, smirking.

"Mmmm... Kryptonite...different planet?"

"Pthh! Please." Rosalie snickered "I thought you were supposed to be smart."

I grinned.

"Okay. Fangy teeth, allergy to garlic, stake in the heart"

I thought Edward was going to choke and Jasper snorted.

"So near yet so far." Emmett laughed his evil laugh again.

"I think we should give her a little help" Rosalie added "You might want to rethink and expand on that last answer"

"What? On the theme of Vampires" I giggled.

"Yep"

I can do that.

"Okay. How about...fangless vampires. No coffins. Venomous. Animal blood. Don't 'die' during the day and have sparkly asses?"

Their jaws unhinged. Every. last. one of them.

"Did I win? Did I win?" I bounced up and down on the sofa like a jumping jack on acid.

"I knew it bitch!" Rosalie grabbed me up, one handed, of the sofa and pulled me to her. My heart leapt into my mouth…I'm gonna die, smothered by her abundant breasts.

She held me up with her arm around my waist "I told you all but did you listen? Welcome to the family Bella...Good luck with that."

"How, Bella? It's against our law to tell humans. Who told you?" Carlisle asked "and how long have you known?"

"Long story for another day" I gasped out as Emmett picked me up and swung me around. Not being able to breathe gave me the excuse I needed to side-step the questions, not wanting to go down that road just yet and not without 'support'.

Emmett put me down and did the same to Rosalie who, resignedly, let him. I wobbled a little and Jasper took my arm to steady me "We're gonna get your secrets outta you soon darlin', that's a promise Miss Swan." he said with a wink.

"And I'll give them up to you gladly Mr. Hale" I quipped back. I'll give him anyones secrets if he doesn't stop doing that!

I looked to Alice to see what she made of our exchange, I mean that _was_ flirting at it's finest, but she was not paying us no never mind. Her face had that constipated look again.

Her face un-scrunched and her smile could have lit up Vegas in a power outage. "Carlisle, the weather is going to be perfect tomorrow for Baseball and now that Bella knows about us, I'm thinking we could all go to the clearing for a game." She turned that smile on me "Bella, I'm sorry about before…it's just a girl thing you understand. I really do want to be your sister" she said with genuine feeling. She actually looked quite adorable.

"Uh okay, no worries and me too" Huh! Where did that come from? Left field much.

"She's right Bella. Welcome to the family and I think a game of Baseball sounds perfect for tomorrow, if you want to join us that is?" Carlisle touched the top of my arm.

"Definitely, Bella and welcome from me." Esme actually kissed my cheek "It would be lovely if you joined us, if you want to"

No pressure then! But even after all the things I've seen and done, I have never seen a Baseball game vampire style, so.

"Sounds like a plan to me but just one thing…" I turned to Emmett and mimicked the evil grin he had favoured me with;

"…I'm driving"

**Sparkles POV**

Oh no that pixie bitch didn't! At least before she had the excuse, albeit a lame-assed one, that she didn't realise until too late what was gonna happen and was caught off guard. But to knowingly and purposefully orchestrate this shit is just fucked up.

No way was my princess gonna go through that shit again…although she actually hasn't…yet…maybe. Fuck it! This shit screws even my head up sometimes. What to do? What to do?

Hmmm! He owes me a favour. And he should be able to work around Eddy boy and the all-seeing mini-meerkat.

I'm not gonna tell Bella as her acting skills suck but she thinks on her feet fuckin' fast for a human.

I pulled out my phone…

* * *

**A/N**

Like it, love it, loathe it. You know the drill, if not by now you never will. And because you're still with me at this point I'm gonna let you in on a little secret…*whispers*…the next chapter is where my idea originally came from for this lil' fic and…if you leave me some lovin', I'll tell you another lil' teaser secret *winks* but only if you want it Lol xox


	11. The Greatest news in the worldI hope!

A mahoosive _Woohoo_! To the followers of my fic (If you all don't hate me for my tardiness in updating).

Though I dislike Authors notes, I feel the need (feel guilty) to give you all a quick update (that's not an update) about where I'm at (sat at my computer, obviously…duh!)

I have had a recent surge in reviews, alerts etc & figured that my lil' 'ol fic has been rec'd somewhere recently…big sloppy kisses (you know I love to give them) to whoever and wherever you are *winks*

Anyhooo…this has made me feel a little (a lot) guilty about my lack of updates so I thought I should make a statement, a pronouncement, a … you get the picture…so, here it is…This story is sooooooooo going to be finished _Cue: cheering crowds, the jumpin' up and down like orgasmic rabbits, the ripping off of clothes for some steamy…_Oh wait, that's just me! *blushes*

_30 minutes later_

Ahem! Sorry *smirks*

Seriously though, I am going to finish this but I am coming to the end of my 3rd and final year at university (Go

Go Graduation in July!) and I have no time (read my profile) for anything not academic (my brains are ready to liquefy and dribble out of my ears) and my family hate me right now (Only Joking , they do love and support me)

But…_Drum roll please_...I officially finish University May 16th so I will be updating very soon after that date…I pinkie promise

Well, that's it from me

I've had my say,

So I'll fuck off for now

And see you in May.

*blows a kiss*


	12. Chapter 12

Now, the way I see it is like this…I never actually said _which _May in _which _year I would update. So if I meant May 2012, then I am really, really, really late getting this chapter out. If I meant May 2013, then I am just quite a bit late, but if I meant May 2014, then I am really, really, really early with an up-date!

*Blinks and wonders if I will actually get away with this bullshit!*

Its not going to happen is it? *Holds head in shame*

I have no excuses (well I have loads of them but there all so lame I don't have the heart to write them *Laughs* I did graduate University though with a 2:1 classification BA (hons) English with History *takes a very proud bow*

Anyhoo. This chapter is not Beta'd so you know its going have lil' ol' mistakes in (I can't proof-read my own work to save my fuckin' life) and I'm English so though I do my very best to Americanise my writing (as Twilight is set in America), I inevitably bloody well fail *pouts with stiff upper lip*

Enjoy the chapter and I'll see you at the bottom *blows a big sloppy kiss*

**Chapter 12**

**Bella's POV**

What the fuck does one wear to a baseball game with vamps? I stood in front of my ample wardrobe totally clueless.

_Incoming, you have incoming._

**Alice to Bella:**

_The blue tee with long sleeves and blue jeans would be perfect. The colour really suits you._

Shit! I know Alice's visions work sporadically were I'm concerned and I know why. I reached across and put on my leather wristband that had 'don't fuck with me' silver studs on the outside and some very special hair enclosed within.

"Can you see me now huh? Can you see me now?" I clicked my fingers; I'm soooo bad-ass!

"Bells? You say something?" asked Charlie from the stair landing.

Whoops. "No, just singing"

"Err, ok then. I'm off fishing with Harry. You got plans today?"

Do I indeed! "Yeah, I'm playing baseball with the Cullen's"

"Baseball? You? Well that's…good. Yeah good. Have fun then…and Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Behave yourself please" and I could hear the grimace in his voice.

"Like a nun at an orgy" I snickered quietly.

"Sorry Bells? I didn't catch that"

"I said no problem, love you"

"Love you too kiddo, see ya"

Hmm! Re-reading Alice's text I reached in and grabbed my leather trousers – may as well keep a theme around my wrist band – and snagged my bright purple polo neck tee off its hanger. A couple of braids in my hair, a touch of lip gloss and my ever faithful long leather trench and I was good to go. Not exactly the uniform of choice for sport but, kick-ass yet cute was my take on it when I glanced in the mirror…it's a hard look to achieve but I manage it - Mostly.

We had agreed that I would drive to the Cullen's house and then take Emmett's 4 by 4 to the clearing. If Charlie got so much of a whiff that I was driving it, he's yank my licence and probably ground me until I was thirty.

Oh fuck, I couldn't wait to get behind that wheel; I was almost wet with the thought of getting to grips with that bad-ass, boy-toy. Emmett's not gonna know what's hit him. I vaguely wondered if it was possible to make a vampire throw up as I tossed my Meatloaf CD in my bag.

*!&$&!*

"LIKE A BAT OUTA HELL I'LL BE GONE WHEN THE MORNING COMES…" I screamed along with Meatloaf as I slammed on the brakes and did the bitchin'est drift/slide around three trees "…WHEN THE NIGHT IS OVER…" I slid my eyes over to Emmett in the passenger seat "…LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL I'LL BE GONE GONE GONE…" Oh yeah, he's looking green "…LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL…" His eyes had widened so much he looked almost bug-eyed "…"I'LL BE GONE WHEN THE MORNING COMES…"

I idly wondered if vampires could make their eyes pop out of the heads as I bounced happily around my seat, thrown every which way and only slightly restricted by my harness, which Carlisle had insisted I wore. It was worth the trade off though. I harnessed up and Emmett had to keep his mouth shut and he could only interfere if it looked like I was going to injure or kill my-self.

Not going to happen. Emmett might kill me if I injure or kill his truck, but I am in complete control of this mother – fucker!

I was truly sorry when we finally reached the clearing; I _may_ have taken a few wrong turns here and there, accidently _of course_. That was the most fuck-awesome ride of my life.

The others were already there having run to the clearing. Rosalie had a shit-eating grin on her face as she told Emmett to quit whining like a baby – but she peeled him out of his truck whilst she did it. The bases had been laid and from the looks of it, the game positions assigned.

"Ok Bella. You can help me referee" Esme said whilst taking my arm gently to lead me away to the plate.

"Err, well" I said whilst equally gently removing myself from her "I was thinking I would like to play as well. I have never actually played before and I would like the experience" which was not exactly true, but I was so deep in bullshit by now with the Cullen's, I figured one more little lie was neither here nor there.

"I don't think you would be able to Bells. I think you may have a little trouble keeping your fragile little human ass up with us" Emmett said in a snarky tone.

Guess he's still smarting a little from the ride up here.

"Absolutely not Bella. It would be way too dangerous" Edward stated in a tone that was brooking no argument.

Jerk. "I know that you Muppets. I was thinking with a little help I could participate"

"What did you have in mind Bella" Carlisle asked curiously.

"Well. If some-one was to stand behind me and help me swing, I could take a turn"

"And what about running to the bases?" Asked Rosalie grinning.

Oh yeah, she new where I was going with this. "The same person could carry me around the bases" and I grinned right back at her.

"And who exactly did you have in mind to do this?"

"Well Esme is refereeing. Alice is pitching and Edward is the fastest so that would give me an unfair advantage. Emmett would probably throw me around the bases…"

"Always available to help where I can short-stop" Emmett chimed in considerably more cheerful at that thought.

I ignored him "…Carlisle is the back-stop so that leaves Rosalie or Jasper, If they don't mind" I looked at Rosalie expectantly.

"Hell no, am I carting you around this pitch. Do I look like a fuckin' mule?"

Ah! So predictable

"Rosalie! Language"

"Sorry Esme. But still no!"

"No worries Bella. I'll do it" Said Jasper as I gave him a grateful grin.

"It's too dangerous" interrupted Edward "Carlisle. Tell them"

Carlisle looked unconcerned "It will be fine Edward. If Bella wants to play then she can. Come on then, batter up. Bella, you can bat after Rosalie so you get an idea of...how we play"

Carlisle's smirking. Who'd have thought! It looks good on him.

Alice pitched the ball and Rosalie hit it…I think. All I saw was a blur from both of them and then Rosalie was off. I gave a great gulp which Jasper, of course noticed.

"Scared Bella?" he sniggered

"In your dreams Jazz. Lets do this"

Balls. Big. Right! Shrivelled walnuts about now.

I assumed the position and fought the urge to wiggle my butt as Jasper closed in behind me. Grinding my ass into his groin is a definite 'no no' in front of the family...especially when Alice is about to launch a ball at me faster than the proverbial speeding bullet. His hands part covered mine gently yet gripped the bat tightly.

"Relax darlin', I got you so let me lead" he whispered in my ear

Oh boy! If I relaxed any more there would be nothing left of me except a puddle of my own juices. He new it too.

"Get ready. Wrap your arms and legs around me as tight as you can when we move. I'll give you the ride of your life darlin'" he whispered just as Alice blurred. My arms _may _have moved and the next thing I know I'm wrapped around him like a spider monkey, not on his back as I assumed I would be, but around his front. I tucked my head into his shoulder and forgot about everything else as I inhaled the scent that is Jasper.

Sandalwood and cigars. I have died on gone to heaven.

I was only vaguely aware of him moving under me and unfortunately it was over to quick. Stupid speedy vampires!

We stopped and he gently let me down. Unfortunately, a combination of the motion and not quite over the effect his scent had had, meant my feet weren't fully in touch with the rest of me and I slipped down his legs in a less than graceful manoeuvre to land on my arse at his feet.

Well that's just fuckin'...undignified.

I tilted my head up and the look on Jaspers face was one of bemusement. He then roared out a laugh which threatened to burst my ear drums. Before I had time to be pissed, I was suddenly hanging upside down being held by my ankles with my leather coat swinging down around me, nose to nose with Emmett.

"You got a home run Bella" he yelled laughing

"Yay me!" Was all I could manage weakly.

"Emmett! Put her down. She's not a bat" Rosalie clapped him around the head, grasped me under my arms and put me in the upright position. Her arm around my waist was the only thing keeping me there! I wished it was Jaspers arm but I'll take what I can when I get it.

"Girls got game" she sniggered as she turned us both to the rest of them.

I registered the smiling faces of Carlisle and Esme who were doing their own fair share of sniggering and Edward who seemed like he couldn't quite decide if he disapproved or found the whole thing hilarious. Alice's was the expression that hit me most clearly even though I think my eyes were still a little crossed. She looked pissed, sad and smug all at the same time...she really should've been an actress as her range of simultaneous emotions was fuckin' phenomenal.

"Next batter up" she called finally settling on a simple smile for me "nice one Bella"

I smiled back and took up position perched on a boulder whilst Esme went off to referee. No way was I fielding; even if the ball came to me it would probably take my hand off and I would spend the rest of eternity getting stumpy jokes by a certain jack-ass. The game continued and I spent most of it missing it due to the sheer pace, but munching on the Oreo cookies I had brought with me helped me get over it.

I reflected on how lucky I had been so far. The Cullen's hadn't really pushed me to reveal where my knowledge of them came from, and, as I had no clue what was happening now or when my 'bro' would actually show up, this was a good thing. He knows I can usually think on my feet but I swear the ass gets off on making me squirm.

_He_ thinks it's good for me to learn from my own mistakes.

_I _think it's much more entertaining and easier to learn from other peoples mistakes personally.

_He_ thinks I need to be human whilst I can and to have 'experiences' that will help me grow and mature.

_I_ think he just has a low thresh-hold for boredom.

"Stop!"

My musings were cut off as Alice shouted. I looked over to her, as did everyone else, from my reclined position on the boulder and suddenly I'm hauled up – again - by Edward and practically thrown to Esme as everyone converged around the home plate.

"What is it Alice?" Carlisle asked glancing between her and Edward.

"I got the time and distance wrong. The perspective was out" she said as Edward snorted in contempt.

"It's the nomads. They're here now and we don't have time to get Bella away to safety" he looked at me sadly "Now what" he turned to Carlisle, as did they all.

"How long Alice?"

"Five minutes. Over there" she pointed to trees at the top of the clearing.

He looked thoughtful but not fearful "It's too late now so we'll wait for them and see what they want. Everybody keep it calm and controlled. There's no reason to think their doing anything else except passing through. Jasper?"

Jasper moved to the front and surveyed us all critically "Loose defensive position, semi-circle around Bella as she is the weakest..." I huffed at that and he fixed me with a glare that made me quake in my shit-kickers "...nothing personal Bella, just a fact...Carlisle centre with me; Emmett and Edward flanking. Rosalie and Alice on either side and slightly back flanking us and Esme at the back with Bella behind her"

I know I should be petrified that some nomads are coming and could quite possibly consider me an entree but damn! Jasper in major mode just flat out does it for me.

He looked at me a little more gently this time "If you could not say or do anything to attract their attention that would greatly help the situation"

I mimed zipping my mouth shut and tossing the key away, then clasped my hands together as if in prayer.

"Ever the smart Alec" Rosalie quipped loudly then whispered to me "like you were ever a fuckin' nun" as they all assumed their positions and waited.

I couldn't decide if it felt like five seconds or five hours but when they all tensed as one and I just had to peak out around Esme's shoulders.

Three figures emerged from the trees: two males and one female and all sporting red eye. I had never seen peepers' like that on some-one other than family and friends and finally a little fear kicked in. I didn't _think_ I was in any kind of particular danger right now as surely, even disregarding the Cullen's, the Jack-ass was around here somewhere, and he never lets me get hurt. Mostly.

The vampires approached the Cullen's and the one that took the slight lead had some of the most bitchin' dreadlocks ever that looked fabulous with his dark complexion; the darkest I had ever seen on a vamp.

"Hello. I am Laurent."

Fancy name and French accent to boot. Nice!

"This is James and Victoria" he indicated to his fellow travellers.

James looked kind of plain with his torn clothes and dishwater blond hair pulled back in a sloppy tail, but the woman, she was something else. Bare-foot with the fur of some dead animal around her shoulders and tangled hair adorned with twigs and leaves, she looked sexy-wild and ready to rumble. If I tried for a look like that I would just come across as sad and bedraggled and fit for the furnace. Bloody Vamps.

"Welcome. I am Carlisle and this is my family" he reeled off our names yet not indicating to any-one in particular.

"I didn't realise that any of us was in the area until we heard your game" Laurent remarked "certainly not a coven of this size"

"Yes well, we keep a permanent residence in this area so your more than welcome to pass through but I would be grateful if you could keep your hunting activities to the other side of the sound" Carlisle said with a smile and a tone that said 'I'm an amiable bloke who can compromise but also leader of this large coven, so don't fuck with me and mine'.

Oh Daddy C is certainly rising up in my estimation. I had originally thought he must have been some sort of pussy-whipped, wet cloth, but now I've met and got to know him…wow-fuckin'-wee! Who's the daddy now!

I realised I had missed quite a bit of the conversation and I zoned back into it just in time to see James sniff the air and Laurent comment "you brought a snack with you?"

The reactions were fascinating. James raised his eyebrows at Laurent who was definitely _not _looking at me, but was goggle-eyed towards the rock I had been previously perched on. And Victoria? Well she laughed at Carlisle, Edward, Jasper and Emmett who had crouched into a fighting stance, growling. She giggled at Esme and Rosalie as they clamped themselves to me on either side and she down right – well guffawed! is the only way I can describe it – at Alice who appeared to be having a vision; her expression looking as if her world had just crashed down around her cute lil' pixie ears!

"The girl is with us" Jasper snarled at the dark-skinned vampire.

"What!" Laurent focused his attention back to Jasper and took in the tableau around him "No, Oh no. I didn't mean…I'm not talking about the human girl…" he looked at me "…no offence sweetie, you smell divine…" More growls from the Cullen boys "…I was talking about the Oreo cookies! They were my absolute favourite food when I was human" he slowly and carefully moved over to the rock, so as to not appear threatening, and picked the packet up "I adored these so much when I was human my father used to import them from America just for me. I haven't seen or smelt them since becoming a vampire"

Laurent inhaled deeply at the biscuit he pulled from the packet, and frowned. He gave it another whiff and sadly put it back. "Huh! They smell awful now. One of my truly last great memories held over from my human life is gone"

He looked so sad. I wanted to go and comfort him. I know the pain of being denied Oreo's. I could empathise, but I was not getting out of the hold Esme and Rosalie had me in any time soon.

"What. Is. Going. ON!" Alice screamed, stamping her foot. "NO, NO, NO" She turned to me "YOU! What the hell is it with you? Nothing, NOTHING has gone right since you got here. You were supposed to go hide from the big, bad vampires…Edward save you…Prom…attack and leave…rescue and love"

She stalked towards me human slow whilst rambling and Rosalie and Esme finally released me. Huh! Protect me from the mournful, Oreo loving vampire, but free me so the shouting, psychotic family member can have a crack at me!

The others had relaxed out of their defensive modes but now looked shocked and confused at Alice.

"And WHY do I sometimes see your future and others not?"

I gulped. I guess the shit was finally going to hit the fan.

She moved closer "WHAT are you doing that prevents me from SEEING?"

My left hand moved unconsciously over the leather wrist-band on my right and Alice's eyes zeroed to it. She took another step closer. The others still just standing there, shock and confusion at this surreal turn of events holding them in place. Edward's eyes were slowly widening as he was now getting the bigger picture as Alice took no care to shield her thoughts from him.

She came closer still and was now no more than six feet away from me. I wondered in a detached sort of way if the Cullen's, who were so quick to defend my life from unknown, potentially dangerous strangers, where going to stand by as an enraged member of their family finished me off.

Turns out I was not the only one who wondered that.

Just as she took another step, a huge roar sounded from the left side of the field quickly followed by a whoosh and a thud in front of me - and suddenly Alice was upside down in a tree on the right side of the field. Before I could barely register the brown-haired newcomer in front of me, he was spread-eagled on his back pinned with Carlisle, Emmett, Edward and Rosalie on his arms and legs. Jasper had his head by his neck and hair whilst Esme had me back glued to her side.

James and Victoria sat down cross-legged ready to be entertained.

Laurent sat on my rock wistfully caressing my Oreo cookie packet.

I smiled at the pissed-off vamp pinned painfully in the dirt and gave him a little wave.

"Hey Peter"

**A/N**

So, whattaya think…was it worth the wait? Like it, love it, loathe it…hit that review button.

I do want to take a moment to be all sickly sweet – I know, I know that's not me but…I always intended to come back to this story and eventually finish it, but it was _so hard_ to pick it up again after so long! What really encouraged me were the reviews and alerts I continued to receive long after my last update. They were full of encouragement and praise and they truly helped inspire me to sit down and just bloody well write. So thank-you for them…you know who you are.

And the moment is over so…next chapter you finally get some fuckin' answers!

Till then, Ta Ta


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